What’s your Pooping Personality?

Picture this situation: It’s around 2:00 p.m. on work day.  That McDonald’s you had on your lunch break is looking like a bad idea.  That two cheeseburger value meal you ordered is running through you faster than Usain Bolt in the 100-meter dash.   You got to drop a deuce and it’s still three hours till quittin’ time.

There’s no way you’re going to make it.  You’re going to have to bite the bullet and take a shit at work.

Like most people, you hate taking a dump at work. You prefer the comfort and privacy of your home base but you’re left with no choice but to use the work bathroom.

As you hurriedly walk to the restroom, you hope that no one else will be in there and you can freely rip ass without repercussions.  But it’s not the case.  ALAS…you walk in and discover that someone is taking care of business in the other stall.

Now you’re forced to sit a foot away from someone as you unleash hell from your asshole.   This will not be pleasant for either of you.

We’ve all been in this situation at some point in your lives.  When this situation presents itself, there are two types of personalities that emerge.   There is the Shy Pooper and the Indifferent Pooper.

The Shy Pooper
I certainly fall into this category. After all, I’m at work and there’s a good chance I know the person sitting next to me.  I don’t want to embarrass myself if he discovers my identity.

I reluctantly sit down in the adjacent stall, cover the seat with half a roll of toilet paper and attempt to take a shit without making a sound.   This is very difficult to do.  I’ll often sync it up with some pissing or let out a cough or two to mask the sound.   This method takes all the joy out of dropping a deuce.

Another strategy I may employ is to just wait out the guy. I’ll sit there patiently, holding back the shit until he leaves. That way I can still take a dump the way it was meant to be done.  This plan can often backfire though because people take shits of varying lengths.   I’m usually pretty quick in there. I try to get in and out like it’s a bank robbery.  However some people will take like friggin’ 20 minutes in the crapper.  What the heck are you doing in there for so long?  Sometimes I’ll hear someone typing on their phone or flipping the newspaper and it occurs to me that waiting this guy out is not going to work.

Shy people, like in life, tend to miss out on the fun.  I often envy the Indifferent Pooper…

The Indifferent Pooper
The Indifferent Pooper could not give a shit (no pun intended) that someone else is sitting next to him.  It’s no different than if he was crapping on his home toilet.  He unleashes loud, room-clearing farts with deadly potency.  He’ll have a cell phone conversation or read through the newspaper, all while dropping the most vile shit you’ve ever smelled.   Then he’ll come out of the stall to wash his hands after finishing his ungodly deed and strike up a conversation with you like nothing happened.

To the shy pooper, coming out of the stall at the same time as the guy next to you is equivalent to having breakfast with a woman the morning after a drunken one-night stand.  The level of awkwardness is off the charts.   You may exchange pleasantries or perhaps talk about the weather, but you really just want to get out of there as soon as possible.

Even if you don’t run into the Indifferent Pooper while washing hands, he can still be identified by his shoes (since the shoes are the only thing you can see).   You may discover the identity of the Indifferent Pooper hours, days or weeks later when you happen to glance at the person’s shoes while walking past him at work.

I once was at a job where The Indifferent Pooper and I happened to be on the same shitting schedule.   It was amazing how often I’d walk in the bathroom to find him in there. I had long identified him as the culprit by seeing his shoes.   Since he was so vile, I often would walk right back out and come back in ten minutes.  But sometimes, such as in an emergency situation, I had no choice but to sit next to him and endure his wrath.

Have you experienced this? Feel free to share the gory details in the comment section.

3 comments for “What’s your Pooping Personality?

  1. Pingback: Clean Muff | Vanquish Magazine
  2. December 21, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    definitely an indifferent pooper – everyone poops! Why is it any weirder than peeing? If it wasn’t for all the social stigma, I’d love to be an indifferent farter too

  3. Joe
    January 6, 2011 at 11:33 am

    I fit somewhere in the middle. If I am somewhere I don’t know anyone, I just hang loose and let it fly. If I’m at work, since I work in a small office with a single one-person bathroom, it’s somewhat a moot point – there are only two other guys in the office and the bathroom is quite a distance away.

    In elementary through high school, I REFUSED to go at school, I’d hold it till I got home. By college, where things were a bit more scattered (and it was easier both time-wise and distance wise to find a suitable bathroom) I became a bit more indifferent.

    One of my good friends, a female who is also a coworker, is probably one of the most shameless shitters I know. She tells me her poop stories (including a time she had to go so bad at a zoo that she went in the woods), and the other females chatter about her “daily dump” around 2:00 every afternoon.

    Around girlfriends, I tend to tread lightly to see how open SHE is about her pooping. If she’s open, I am open. If she’s a shy one, I tend to be shy as well…

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