Picture this for a minute. You just took the last bite of a four-course meal at your home that was cooked by your girl–Just you two at the dining room table. Perhaps there is a candle at the table, or a flower, or something else that’s socially romantic. After your last bite, you walk to the kitchen and grab the step-stool, bring it into the dining room and place it beside her.
She knows it’s coming, but she continues to play coy. She is mesmerized as you climb the two steps, point your buttocks in her direction, and let a four-second, two-octave fart blast right into her face. You hold the pose for a couple of seconds after the fart, just for the effect. You then step down, knowing that you’ve really put an exclamation point on the romantic night. She proceeds to stare into your eyes lovingly. Her eyes swell up as she’s consumed by the moment. She slowly takes your hand…and takes you to bed for some romantic intercoursings.
Absurd thought? Unfortunately it is. Whatever…let’s assume the toot you threw in her face smelled like a dozen roses.
I should get to my point I guess. I truly, truly wonder how farts would be received in society if they had a pleasant odor. I have a few situational events and scenarios and questions that I’d like to ask. If you could give your opinion, it’d be much appreciated. To answer an inevitable question, we are still assuming poops smell like poop. This is about farts. Not poops.
If farts smelled fantastic, what would be the reaction of bystanders on…let’s say, a subway…if you blasted a long loud fart. Perhaps… “thank you!”… or maybe… “I owe you one!”… or maybe just a cordial wink and a nod. Society has a social responsibility to wish you God’s blessings for sneezing. Not to go off on a tangent, but why on earth do we say “God Bless You” after somebody sneezes?? (BTW I’m sure there’s an easily researchable answer…but I don’t care.) I’d imagine there’d be a stronger social responsibility to offer gratitude for freshening the air with a good fart.
-Imagine a group of people in a room. Somebody picks up on a scent…this could be an expected dialogue:
Fart Smeller: “Who Farted??”
Fart Provider: “That was me.”
Fart Smeller: “Ahh…thanks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but, I can like…never fart in public. It sucks”
-Imagine an online dating profile: “Single White Christian, full time working, frequent farter. 5 feet 11 inches, dark hair. Looking for casual interaction.”
-Imagine women’s magazine headlines saying… “How to Fart Louder, Sexier, and More Often”
-Imagine if the term was “Silent but heavenly”.
-Imagine having dinner at a girlfriend’s parents house for the first time…after you leave, her mom says… “He’s really nice. And cute too! I could tell he was trying to fart for us after dinner, and I think he might have. I really hope he liked the turkey. I’m worried that it might’ve been overcooked.”
OK, I could go all day, but I’ll stop. Bottom line is: pleasant-smelling and well received farts would really change my life in an enormously positive way. Farting is so much fun. A noise shooting out of my ass??? Brilliant! But unfortunately, as it goes with all guilty pleasures, nothing in life that is truly enjoyable comes without negative consequences.
Anyone have any other interesting scenarios or thoughts about this fictional scenario? I know I’m asking you to bend your imagination, but if there’s any instance you should bend your imagination, this is it.
*From Johnny Sacks** This was a new post by “Kavorka.” He may also contribute to LWB occasionally. If you like it, please be sure to tell him about it.
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