Message to the World: USA Could Kick your Ass in Soccer if We Wanted to

So the USA lost a tough match to Ghana this past weekend in the knockout round of the 2010 World Cup. Only in soccer can a third-world nation like Ghana beat a powerhouse like the United States. Ghana probably couldn’t beat the USA in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, but somehow they beat us in soccer.

The reason for this: The vast majority of us Americans don’t give a shit about soccer.
Sure we get a little excited for one month every four years, when the World Cup comes around. We go out and be nice little capitalists. We buy Landon Donovan jerseys and drink at 9:30 am at our local bar when the game is on. We curse at the referees for calling off-sides (even though we’re not quite sure how off-sides works in soccer. Why is there no blue line?), and we don’t understand why they don’t just stop the clock when the ball goes out of bounds.

But once the World Cup is over, we’ll go back to our American football and baseball and we’ll make fun of people for watching the MLS. Soccer won’t even enter our thought process again until the next time David Beckham is on TMZ. Even yesterday, with the World Cup in full swing, SportsCenter led with the Tampa Bay Rays/ Arizona Diamondbacks game.

Because of this indifference by Americans, our best athletes do not grow up playing soccer. They play baseball, basketball and football. Kobe Bryant spent part of his youth in Italy and grew up playing soccer and basketball. I’m sure Kobe was schooling Italian kids on the pitch, long before he was winning multiple titles with the Lakers. You think if Kobe decided to pursue soccer as a career that he wouldn’t be better than whatever one-named guy is currently playing for Brazil?

Adrian Peterson out-runs 11 juiced-up guys trying to rip his head off every Sunday playing football. You don’t think he could out-run some soccer fag who falls and cries at the slightest bit of contact?

Landon Donovan would be a bench-warmer on the U.S. squad if our best athletes played soccer. If guys like Kobe and Adrian Peterson pursued soccer, we would win the World Cup every time.

We are the fucking UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  No one can stop us when we truly apply ourselves, and certainly not some shitty African nation that most people probably couldn’t find on a map. Let me give you an example: The U.S. won 110 medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics. How many did Ghana win? ZERO. Michael Phelps has misplaced more gold medals than Ghana has won in its history (They’ve won 4).

So enjoy your time in the limelight Ghana. While your entire village crams into a tiny adobe hut to watch the quarterfinals on the only television in town, we’ll be lounging in our La-Z-Boy, in the air conditioning, while we watch a more interesting sport in high-definition.

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH

3 comments for “Message to the World: USA Could Kick your Ass in Soccer if We Wanted to

  1. Charles Arcella
    July 2, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Might be one of the greatest articles i’ve ever read. And I’ve read alot. Like, about 5.

  2. Joe
    July 6, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    Soccer doesn’t need a certain body kind to be a good player, every man with his brain, legs and eyes connected can play soccer, but beeing good at soccer is very hard because is a team shit with poor emphasis in individual skills, USA is good for sports that don’t need to be in real team stuff.

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