The Mermaid Theory: Is it True?

If you’re a fan of the CBS show How I Met Your Mother, then you know that Barney Stinson, who is famous for his womanizing on the sitcom, has an abundance of social theories, most of which revolve around getting laid.

One of these theories is “The Mermaid Theory.” According to Barney, The Mermaid Theory is based off the legend that hundreds of years ago, sailors who were at sea for long periods of time would be so desperate for female companionship that they would see manatees in the water as beautiful mermaids.

In modern day terms, Stinson describes the mermaid theory as so:

Every woman, no matter how initially unattractive, has a clock that represents the time it takes for a man to realize he wants to “bone her.” Typically the woman in question is someone close to you that you see on a regular basis. Perhaps it’s a co-worker, a friend or a neighbor. Upon your initial meeting, you won’t find this woman attractive at all, but over time, slowly but surely, you will want to have sex with her.

So is Barney right about the Mermaid Theory? To a certain extent he is.

Certainly if the woman in question weighs 300 pounds and is disgusting in every way imaginable, not even an eternity would be enough to find her attractive. But for plain, slightly below average women (view my hotness scale for reference) this absolutely holds true. Allow me to explain why…

There are three reasons for this. The first reason is availability. Most men aren’t close with many women outside of someone they are dating. It’s hard for us to meet women. We try to pick up chicks at bars and parties but more often than not we fail miserably. Our success rate is worse than Adam Dunn’s batting average. We come up with awful methods for picking up chicks, like hollering at a girl passing by a construction site or beeping the horn at a hot girl jogging. Like Jerry Seinfeld says, sadly these are the best ideas we have. We see these women on an everyday basis and that alone makes them more attractive over time.

The second reason is our imagination. Often times, particularly in a work environment, these mermaids must interact with us on a daily basis. If this woman is the slightest bit friendly, most men we will immediately begin to think she wants to sleep together. I can’t really explain this phenomenon but for some reason men think life is like an episode of Mad Men. We think any woman who gives us the time of day is down to fuck.

Once we entertain the idea that having sex with this person is plausible, our imagination goes to work. We start playing out fantasies in our head such as thinking what it would be like to have sex on our desks during a lunch break. The more wild scenarios we can conjure up in our head, the more attractive this woman becomes to us.

The final reason the Mermaid Theory holds true is because of laziness. Men have a lot going on in their lives. We’re very busy earning a living and running our fantasy football teams. We don’t have the time or the energy to try picking up women. We just want to have sex without having to put out much of an effort. These “mermaids,” are our best chances to have sex without going through the hassle of dating first.

To further prove Barney’s theory, let me illustrate two real-world examples of the Mermaid Theory in action.

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is probably most famous for the “sexual relations” he had with a large, unattractive White House intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky. Clinton, as the most powerful man in the world, probably could have had his pick of any woman he wanted but he chose to sleep with a fatty. So why would the Leader of the Free World do this?

Because of The Mermaid Theory of course!

Clinton ended up fooling around with Lewisnky because she was readily available, he didn’t have a lot of free time and he fantasized about sticking a cigar up her vagina in the Oval Office.

Our second example involves Steve Phillips. Phillips was a former baseball general manager and an analyst for ESPN. He ruined his entire career by cheating on his wife and having sex with a fat production assistant who was much less attractive than his wife. Once again, The Mermaid Theory was to blame. The production assistant was around often and Phillips probably liked the idea of banging a 22-year old on road trips and couldn’t shake that temptation. So he slept with her and lost a nice gig at ESPN in the process.

So as you can see, the Mermaid Theory is indeed true and as men we must be careful when it happens in our life. As you saw in this clip, Marshall took precautions to avoid the Mermaid Theory and so should you. More often than not, having sex with the mermaid will have bad results.

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  1. Mr. Cleavage says:

    Agree with every line. I tried explaining the Clinton-shagging-Monica thing to my buddies the same way back in the ’90′s…
    “She’s right there, she’s not your wife, she’s not 400 lbs., and she’s a she!”

    I can’t believe the b*tch kept the blue dress, though…who DOES that???

  2. Johnny Sacks says:

    Glad you like it. Maybe she wanted a memento to commemorate banging the president.

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