I’m getting married this week and that means I’ll be committing to one woman for the rest of my life—or does it?
Like a lot of couples, my future wife and I have jokingly made a “cheat list.” This cheat list contains a list of celebrities. If by some chance we are presented with an opportunity to sleep with one of these five people, we are allowed to do so without any repercussions.
As part of the continuing wedding series, here is our official “cheat list.”
Johnny Sacks’ List
Gianna Michaels— an internet porn star—is not the hottest girl but she has amazing natural breasts and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen on a white girl. That’s not even the reason why she’s on this list. Go to YouPorn, search for Gianna Michaels, watch one of her videos for five minutes and then come back (pull your pants up first). This girl gives a blow job like she needs dick for sustenance.
Yes I know. Diane Lane is a little old now (she’s 45). But I’ve had a thing for her ever since I saw her get pounded out in the 2002 movie Unfaithful (Do yourself a favor and go rent it if you haven’t seen it. It’s a pretty good movie too).
Think of it like Alex Rodriguez’s obsession with Madonna a few years back. Alex was probably beating off to Madonna when he was teenager and decided he wanted to live out some childhood dream, even though Madonna is long past her prime looks-wise. The only difference here is that Diane Lane still looks good. If my wife looks half as good as Diane Lane does when she is 45, I will be a very happy man.
Hispanic women are probably the sexiest type of women on Earth and Penelope Cruz might be the most beautiful Latina of them all. I could get an erection just by hearing her speak. Her body isn’t bad either.
Better known as “Sloan” from the hit HBO series Entourage, Emmanuelle Chiriqui is one of those rare breeds of women who are thin but still have big breasts. This is always a wonderful combination. Sloan is Jewish and so is my wife, so maybe it won’t bother Mrs. Sacks as much if I cheat on her with one of the chosen people.
This is my dark horse pick on the list. Most people reading this probably don’t even know who she is. She is the host of “Beer Money” which airs on the Mets regional network SNY. She is a natural beauty and she seems like she’d be a lot of fun to hang out with too. And because her job involves going around to bars in New York and asking men sports trivia questions, there is a small chance that we may actually cross paths someday. Once that happens, she won’t be able to resist the Johnny Sacks charm.
People who almost made the list and why they didn’t make the cut:
Kim Kardashian: It’s hard to imagine a woman with a more wonderful body than Kim Kardashian— but she only likes black guys and thus it would be a waste to have her on this list.
Beyonce Knowles: There are few women on this planet hotter than Beyonce. Yet she’s such a big star, I’d be lucky to get within 100 yards of the busty backsided Diva, let alone close enough to talk to her. Plus Jay-Z would probably murder me if somehow I was able to sleep with her—I mean literally murder me.
Mrs. Sacks’ List
Otherwise known as “McDreamy” from Grey’s Anatomy, this is Mrs. Sacks’ top choice on the list. She usually wants to jump my bones every time she watches “Grey’s” because she gets turned on seeing him and I’m the best she can do at the time.
Some other douche from Grey’s Anatomy. He’s black— so his dick is probably twice as big as mine and thus I’ll never be able to satisfy her sexually after that. Let’s hope she never meets him.
I actually might be ok with my wife sleeping with Chase Utley. My wife (gonna take some time to get used to saying that) is a big Phillies fan and Utley is her favorite player. If he impregnates her, that could be my ticket to an early retirement. I could have a future hall of famer on my hands. The downside would be having a kid with that greasy hair.
I might be ok with this one too. Matthew Fox was the star of my favorite TV show so I wouldn’t mind being an Eskimo Brother with Jack Shephard. Maybe he could explain to her some of the unanswered questions in LOST. That would definitely make it worth it.
Whatever. His body isn’t that nice. If I shaved my chest and frosted my tips I’d look exactly like that.
Do you and your significant other have a “cheat list?” If so, feel free to share it in the comment section.
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