The Cheat List

I’m getting married this week and that means I’ll be committing to one woman for the rest of my life—or does it? 

Like a lot of couples, my future wife and I have jokingly made a “cheat list.”  This cheat list contains a list of celebrities.  If by some chance we are presented with an opportunity to sleep with one of these five people, we are allowed to do so without any repercussions.

As part of the continuing wedding series, here is our official “cheat list.”  

Johnny Sacks’ List

Gianna Michaels
Gianna Michaels— an internet porn star—is not the hottest girl but she has amazing natural breasts and the biggest ass I’ve ever seen on a white girl.  That’s not even the reason why she’s on this list.  Go to YouPorn, search for Gianna Michaels, watch one of her videos for five minutes and then come back (pull your pants up first).  This girl gives a blow job like she needs dick for sustenance. 

Diane Lane
Yes I know. Diane Lane is a little old now (she’s 45).  But I’ve had a thing for her ever since I saw her get pounded out in the 2002 movie Unfaithful (Do yourself a favor and go rent it if you haven’t seen it. It’s a pretty good movie too).

Think of it like Alex Rodriguez’s obsession with Madonna a few years back.  Alex was probably beating off to Madonna when he was teenager and decided he wanted to live out some childhood dream, even though Madonna is long past her prime looks-wise. The only difference here is that Diane Lane still looks good.   If my wife looks half as good as Diane Lane does when she is 45, I will be a very happy man.

Penelope Cruz
Hispanic women are probably the sexiest type of women on Earth and Penelope Cruz might be the most beautiful Latina of them all.  I could get an erection just by hearing her speak.  Her body isn’t bad either.   

Emmanuelle Chiriqui
Better known as “Sloan” from the hit HBO series Entourage, Emmanuelle Chiriqui is one of those rare breeds of women who are thin but still have big breasts.  This is always a wonderful combination.  Sloan is Jewish and so is my wife, so maybe it won’t bother Mrs. Sacks as much if I cheat on her with one of the chosen people.

Alexi Panos
This is my dark horse pick on the list.  Most people reading this probably don’t even know who she is.  She is the host of “Beer Money” which airs on the Mets regional network SNY.  She is a natural beauty and she seems like she’d be a lot of fun to hang out with too.  And because her job involves going around to bars in New York and asking men sports trivia questions, there is a small chance that we may actually cross paths someday.  Once that happens, she won’t be able to resist the Johnny Sacks charm.

Honorable Mention:

People who almost made the list and why they didn’t make the cut:
Kim Kardashian: It’s hard to imagine a woman with a more wonderful body than Kim Kardashian— but she only likes black guys and thus it would be a waste to have her on this list.
Beyonce Knowles: There are few women on this planet hotter than Beyonce. Yet she’s such a big star, I’d be lucky to get within 100 yards of the busty backsided Diva, let alone close enough to talk to her. Plus Jay-Z would probably murder me if somehow I was able to sleep with her—I mean literally murder me. 

Mrs. Sacks’ List

Patrick Dempsey
Otherwise known as “McDreamy” from Grey’s Anatomy, this is Mrs. Sacks’ top choice on the list.  She usually wants to jump my bones every time she watches “Grey’s” because she gets turned on seeing him and I’m the best she can do at the time.

Jesse Williams
Some other douche from Grey’s Anatomy.  He’s black— so his dick is probably twice as big as mine and thus I’ll never be able to satisfy her sexually after that.  Let’s hope she never meets him.

Chase Utley
I actually might be ok with my wife sleeping with Chase Utley.  My wife (gonna take some time to get used to saying that) is a big Phillies fan and Utley is her favorite player.  If he impregnates her, that could be my ticket to an early retirement.  I could have a future hall of famer on my hands.  The downside would be having a kid with that greasy hair.

Matthew Fox
I might be ok with this one too.  Matthew Fox was the star of my favorite TV show so I wouldn’t mind being an Eskimo Brother with Jack Shephard.  Maybe he could explain to her some of the unanswered questions in LOST.  That would definitely make it worth it.

Ryan Reynolds
Whatever. His body isn’t that nice.  If I shaved my chest and frosted my tips I’d look exactly like that. 

Do you and your significant other have a “cheat list?” If so, feel free to share it in the comment section.

8 comments for “The Cheat List

  1. ThatAintKosher
    July 6, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    I hate to break this to you but Ryan Reynolds is on pretty much every woman’s Cheat List. All his movies suck so the directors always make sure he has at least three shirtless scenes. If you think his body isn’t that nice then I want some of whatever it is that you’re smoking.

    Anyway, I don’t know about a Cheat List of my own but I did recently do a post of fictional characters that I’d bone. Here’s the link, if anyone cares:

  2. July 6, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Yeah, Gianna Michaels is hot. She has an extra slutty look that I just love! LOL.

  3. Mr. Cleavage
    July 11, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    OK…Mr. Cleavage has made his list:

    1) That huge-boobed brunette MILF 3 doors down who’s married to the total Douche Bag with the crappy early 90’s BMW. AMAZING RACK, and tight little package even after hatching two of the DB’s ugly kids. Conveniently rides her bike every night that I go out for a run…it could happen.
    2) That huge-boobed blonde I saw at Kroger the other day. I let her have the last 6-pack of Bell’s Oberon, and she thanked me with an “if you weren’t wearing a Michigan State t-shirt I’d totally bang you tonight” look. F*cking State…
    3) That medium-boobed little hottie who my son had for a 1st grade teacher. I think I was signed up for every PTA meeting and “bring random sugar-filled shit” event they had going that year. God bless teachers…
    4) That tall Latino lady who’s husband owns the party store in my buddy’s neighborhood. Boob size as-yet undetermined because I have only stopped there once and couldn’t catch a glimpse, but think Salma Hayak face with butt to match. Her smile alone gave me mid-day wood. I WILL be stopping there for beer every golf night going forward.
    5) Lynda Carter. Sorry, always had a thing for her…

    Mrs. Cleavage does not get to make a list.

  4. July 12, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    hahahaha. Awesome list. I shouldn’t have let the Mrs. make a list either.

  5. July 28, 2010 at 11:30 am

    One of my ex-girlfriends had a one-man cheat list. Daniel Radcliffe.

    Yyyeah. This was about three or four years ago, so slightly creepy.

    I was informed at the time that in no way did this mean that I was allowed to have a cheat list, because men are different from women.

    Even so, Gianna Michaels was on it….

  6. MontanaNutcase
    January 6, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    1. Alyssa Milano. Ever since I was about 12 years old, I’ve wanted to hit that shit like a retard on a drum kit. I would do things to her that would make the average woman’s stomach turn and I think Alyssa would be up for it. Plus, those kinda hairy arms turn me on. I’m dead f**king serious.

    2. Amy Adams. DAMN. Just a beautiful woman.

    3. Giada DeLaurentiis. Her cooking’s OK, but her tits are amazing. She’s got a cute face too, and I don’t care that her head’s too big for her body. If she were in my house, I’d be eating Italian for dinner AND dessert every night if you get my drift.

    4. Gabrielle Union. Not as famous as some actresses, but she’s just stunning.

    5. Sarah Rue – fat or thin, she’s got this cuteness about her that I can’t quite describe. I’d have done her at her chubbiest as well as her thinnest.

  7. MontanaNutcase
    January 6, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Oh, and regarding Harry Potter, I’d have to probably do Emma Watson if the opportunity presented itself.

  8. January 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I’m definitely with you on Alyssa Milano and Giada DeLaurentiis. Had I been able to make my list bigger than 5 people, they probably would have made the cut. Cooking is the way to a man’s heart.

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