Terrible Ideas that Still Make Money

It seems like every day there is some new big product or service out there that promises to be the next big thing.  Sometimes these products take off, sometimes they don’t.  Sometimes these products do well despite the fact they have no practical use for any logical human being on the planet Earth.  Here are six of those products. 

The Coors Light Cold Activated Can
You know, I’ve always wondered when my beer was cold.  The idea of just touching the bottle to see if it’s cold never occurred to me.  THANK GOD Coors Light found a way to distract people from that piss they call beer with the Coors Light “Cold Activated” can. The mountains turn blue when your beer is cold! AWESOME!  Now I’ll never have to ponder for hours if my cheap beer is ready for drinking. THANK YOU COORS LIGHT!

KGB
You’ve seen these commercials.  Got a question for us? Text us at 542542! It’s only 99 cents per answer! Hmmm…So I can text my question to some random number and wait patiently for a response, while also paying a dollar for the answer OR I could just go to Google, type in my question and get my answer for free in two seconds.  Which one would you choose?  Is there anyone out there dumb enough to use this service?  How do they actually make money?

The Coors Light Wide Mouth Can
Wow. Coors has the honor of being on here TWICE!  You’ve seen these stupid commercials too.  The LET”S VENT guy who ignores his wife when she gets home because he’s excited to drink God-awful beer from an aluminum can with a wide mouth. Has anyone shopping in a beer distributor ever thought to oneself, “Yes, I think I’ll get the Coors Light over good beer because it’s easier to pour!”

The Snuggie
A blanket with sleeves! Why didn’t I ever think of that? I suppose if I’m cold I could just put on another shirt or take my bathrobe and put it on inside out.  After all, that’s essentially what a Snuggie is—a backwards bathrobe.  The Snuggie has made TONS of money.  Shit, even I was dumb enough to buy one of these stupid things.  I immediately regretted that decision. I put it on once and I was embarrassed to walk around in that thing—even in the privacy of my own home. 

The WNBA
Every time I flip through the channels and I see a WNBA game on television, I am amazed to see people in the stands.  There are people out there who will actually pay to watch women’s basketball?  I’ve never met one.  There are so many other forms of entertainment out there I would choose to spend my hard-earned money on before I’d pay a dime to see a WNBA game. I’d rather pay to watch paint dry than watch the WNBA game. I’d rather watch fucking NASCAR over the WNBA. I’d rather listen to Fran Dresser read about risk management on audio book over a WNBA game.   

Shake Weight
I’m not making this up. This infomercial is for real. The Shake Weight is some sort or vibrating dumbbell designed “specifically for women” to tone arms.  It looks like every woman in this video is practicing their hand job form. Ladies, why rely on “dynamic inertia” to build your biceps and triceps?  Just give your man a good ol’ tug instead and pocket the $19.95.  Actually don’t do that. Hand jobs suck. 

I’m sure there are plenty of others out there.  Should this post do well, I’ll make it a regular series as more stupid ideas come out.  What are some others you can think of? Talk about it in the comment section.


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29 Comments

  1. Gary says:

    I mean, I agree for the most part, but I like the cold-activated can. I’ve been burned too many times by a beer can/bottle that feels cold, but the actual beer is still lukewarm. Plus, I like the color blue.

    You bought a Snuggie? Idiot…

  2. Dave(d) says:

    Great points. Although in the case of Coors, I think people just get hooked from the clever commericals with the old footage of NFL Coaches Post Game Press Conferences.

  3. Mike says:

    This is one of your funniest posts. I can’t believe you bought a Snuggie.

  4. Coors Guy says:

    Coors light is the greatest beer ever man dont hate the playa hate the game

  5. d says:

    Well i read the your first two suggestions and I realize your full of “terrible” observations.

    Firstly its not the cold certified people buy its the beer. the cold certified is a feature and a useful one. beer behind a glass door fridge. Oh I dont need to open it to see if is really cold. Say at a store or bar. Or hey im gonna grab some salsa for my chips and get back to the game oh whata you know those beers are already cold.

    Then I cant really speak for the quality of KGB’s answers. I can see the usefulness of a service like this available for people who dont have smart phones. Having a debate at the park with some friends no need to run home and google it you could text for the answer. There are plenty of times I havnt been around a computer and I wanted to know the answer to something,

    So this blog post seems like it should be on the list

  6. John says:

    D,

    First off let me say, I’m not sure why anyone would feel the need to make a negative post about an article that is cleary in good fun. Also, as is the case with anyone who leaves a negative post on my blog, you chose to put a fake email address in the comment section. I’m not surprised.

    Also, I find it hard to trust the opinion of someone who actually enjoys Coors Light. Perhaps you work for Coors Light or KGB and that is why you defend these products so much…or perhaps you are just a douchebag.

  7. Brittany says:

    John,

    I love this. Coors Light is a terrible beer with even worse ideas, and the WNBA is a joke. Thank you for being my hero, seeing as you’ve brightened my day more than once.

    -Brittany

  8. John says:

    Thank you Brittany. That might be the best comment ever

  9. Hebrew Hammer says:

    D-
    You drink,… correction, you like Coors Light->your a douchebag
    You dont have a smart phone…WTF?-> your a douchebag

    So in all I really saw though your dumb ass pyscobull shit was the fact that your a hugh douchebag

  10. ThatGuy says:

    Hebrew Hammer, lrn2spell

    its “you’re/you are a douchebag”. Also lrn2 use punctuation.

  11. Electricguru says:

    I don’t like coors lite beer either, but it is the 4th largest selling beer in the USA. That would indicate that a lot of people drink it. 1. budlite, 2. bud, 3. miller lite, 4. coors lite. I like bud ice , and tecate myself, and i also believe that any negative comment made by anyone here, only indicates their opinion, and maybe their immaturity. There are always many, many others that like something that some do not. Even the womens basketball must have a very large following or it wouldn’t have the sponsers, and the T.V. time that it does have, but those are just my opinions. LOL

  12. Deon says:

    “Learn to spell” ThatGuy.

  13. Mike says:

    For the shake weight, look up the rodquake 3000 on youtube. Funny as hell.

  14. BitterMetsFan says:

    The Coors Light widemouth proved useful once. In high school, this was the only widemouth available. A friend thought he could break some unofficial school drinking record of 5 (the number is random) beers out of a can in 3:40. He did it in 1:33. I’ll give him the credit and Coors Light an assist. It’s also good for case racing. An obscenely weak defense of Coors Light rests.

  15. Johnny Sacks says:

    @BitterMetsFan…that’s impressive…Though perhaps there should be an asterisk next to his name in the record books.

  16. The bichifucker says:

    1. Your stupid
    2. I wasted my time and I might as well waist it writing you this.
    3. Coors is a nice beer and taste good, the Cold Activated Bottle: Mountains on the label turn blue when the beer is cold enough to drink, that is the coolest thing they could ever created and it make us easier to know when is the right temperature, what is wrong with you.
    4.The Vented Wide Mouth Can allows for a smoother pour and delivers a draft-like experience that reduces the vacuum or “glugging” effect. That’s perfect for beer drinker.

    I think that you are a kid that don’t have nothing else to do, and criticize Coors, Coors is not number 1 but is a good beer especial what they invented with their cans.

  17. Johnny Sacks says:

    1. I continue to be amazed at the number of people who get so bent out of shape about this article.
    2. I’m 28
    3. You’re a tool who can’t spell or write in proper English.

  18. Mr. Cleavage says:

    1) Corrs am good
    2) You dont no nuthing
    3) Me and my NasKar buddies will wip the tar out’n you
    4) Corrs am good
    5) I marred my cousin

  19. rjschwarz says:

    You want to impress me dump the cold activated can in favor of a can that indicates when a beer went from cold to warm to cold again because the taste is screwed at that point no matter how cold it is.

  20. Becks says:

    Coors light sucks end of discussion.In fact anything light should be tossed aside!!!!!!! Only girls should be thinking lite be a man.Oh and BTW I have noticed even if the label is blue it does not mean the beer is officially cold at least for my standards.A lot of my freinds love that junk what am I going to do turn down a beer though.

  21. Tilen says:

    I agree with the Shake Weight :) One of South Park episodes features Shake Weight and it’s really awesome :) Check it out if you haven’t :)

  22. daniel says:

    TV hat, thats all i have to say, look it up

  23. Tom says:

    I really don’t understand how you think Coors is the worst beer ever.. It couldn’t have become the 4th best selling beer in America if it was.. Plus I think the mountains turning blue was a good idea because the can will always turn cold before the beer does. And the Wide Mouth is good for easier pouring.

  24. Johnny Sacks says:

    Tom…it’s called good marketing. They distract you with gimmicks to hide the fact their beer is average and watered down.

  25. Joseph says:

    Coors Lite sucks; end of discussion. Comparing it to the other beers at the bottom of the heap doesn’t make it any better. The reason those beers are such high sellers is because they are cheap as dirt so that people who just want to drink a lot of crappy beer for the sole purpose of getting drunk can do it with the few coins they can find in the sofa after the meth party. I mean, really, if you’re hosting a tailgate party, are you going to spend your hard earned cash on good beer for your friends who won’t appreciate it anyway? Here’s the story behind the big mouth–it wasn’t invented by Coors Lite. It’s been around forever. Remember Mickey’s Big Mouth? Second, the only reason it’s an asset is so that you can get it down faster without having to taste what kind of swill it really is. Besides, you don’t have a lot of time to drink because you only have about three minutes in between pisses since you had to drink so much of it to get drunk in the first place. Drink Guinness. Enjoy your beer. Get a nice buzz. Don’t spend all your party time waiting in line for the bathroom. Done.

  26. Kat says:

    JS- Me likey, me likey! Please more terrible ideas that still make money! Since I’ve just discovered this goldmine of laughs, I’m having a blast stalking your site. Your product comments are hilarious, but some of these dumb motherfuckers have me rolling! I think I’ll copy and paste their comments into a Word doc just so I can do strike-through editing. I wish the content didn’t include beer so I could use their comments as examples of dumb-assery when teaching my third graders to spell and punctuate.

    And getting worked up about someone’s opinion about a beer? Come on! We all know the big 3 suck, but serve a purpose when you’re floatin’ the river and can’t toss back eight-percenters all day. But when you’re not on the river, sip some hoppy goodness with umph.

    Seriously loving this site. FUNNY! Yes, totally worthy of shouty capitals. So now that I’ve stalked your site for, holy shit, four hours, I’ll go. But I’ll return. Often. I’ll try not to do it in a weirdy, stalkery way…but if you keep being this funny, all bets are off.

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