It seems like every day there is some new big product or service out there that promises to be the next big thing. Sometimes these ideas take off, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes these products do well despite the fact they have no practical use for any logical human being on the planet Earth. The first edition of Terrible Ideas that Make Money was a great success, so it’s time for the second edition. Here are six more products I’ve enjoyed making fun of.
Royal Heirloom Ring
Prince William and Kate Middleton and are getting married…and to commemorate the special occasion the “British Historical Society” is allowing a replica of Princess Diana’s engagement ring to be sold to dumb American consumers.
This replica is complete crap. It has something called simulated diamonds and is probably just slightly better quality than something you’d get in a 25-cent vending machine at the supermarket.
But this guy with a British accent sounds really smart, so this must be amazing! He says really sophisticated phrases like “19 dollars 90,”scintillating brilliant cut diamonds” and “hinged decorative velveteen box.”
It also comes with a certificate of authenticity. This certificate authenticates that it is indeed a ring, just not a very good one.
The original price was to be set at $119 dollars but then the British Historical Society realized no one in their right mind would buy this crap for that much.
Since when have jeans becomes too dressy? Now our society is too lazy to put on a decent pair of pants? We have to wear sweatpants that look like jeans? What’s next? Going to a wedding in one of those tuxedo t-shirts?
Just like the ring commercial, the narrator throws out random terms that sound impressive like “mock fly,” “contrast stitching” and “brass rivets.” In other words…it’s sewn together and has buttons.
I also highly doubt that these sweatpants will fill out as well as the women in this commercial that have perfectly round backsides. I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that the clientele that buy this product (fat, white trash women) will not look nearly as good in these pajamas.
The International Star Registry
For just $54.00 the “International Star Registry” will name a star after you. Sounds cool right? If you think that, then you are the biggest sucker on the planet.
According to the web site: “The International Star Registry gift package includes a beautiful 12″ x 16″ parchment certificate, available framed or unframed, with the name of your choice, dedication date, and telescopic coordinates of the star. You’ll also receive an informative booklet with charts of the constellations plus a larger, more detailed chart with the star you name encircled in red.”
Does anyone really believe this? Is the International Star Registry a division of NASA? I highly doubt it. It sounds to me like you are paying 54 bucks for a certificate with your name on it, claiming to now be the name of a made-up star in a fictitious galaxy. Want to get this bogus certificate framed? You’ll have to shell out another 55 dollars.
I did a little research and went on Yahoo! Answers to see what other people think. It seems like other people can verify my claim that this is totally bogus. I personally enjoyed what this person wrote…
“There are numerous companies that will gladly put a name on one of their star charts and charge you a fee for it. None of these are recognized by the astronomical community. The International Astronomical Union is the only body that names bodies in space, and most of the stars are unnamed these days, and only given designation numbers for cataloguing purposes.
So, it would be recognized as “Carl” (or whatever his name is) only by people who have paid for this service after you *bought* that star.
It would be comparable to me and my neighbors walking around calling Highway 22 “Karen’s Road” amongst ourselves. Mapquest wouldn’t recognize this term, and neither would tourists… or anyone who hadn’t been in on our little “unofficial renaming.”
After reading that, I went to the FAQ on the International Star Registry site and saw this…
Q: Will the scientific community recognize my star name?
A: No. We are a private company that provides Gift Packages. Astronomers will not recognize your name because your name is published only in our Star catalog. We periodically print a book called Your Place in the Cosmos which lists the stars that we have named.
It seems like the guy on Yahoo Answers was right. At least they admit their product is a scam.
Obama Chia Pet
Hey remember the Chia Pet from like 20 years ago? Even then it was kind of cheesy. But for some reason, the folks at Chia decided they would “commemorate the inauguration of our 44th President” with a potted plant in the shape of Obama’s face.
The commercial claims it’s a symbol of “Liberty, Opportunity, Prosperity, and Hope”. Seriously? I believe there is a statue on Ellis Island that stands for that. Should we just knock down the Statue of Liberty and put an Obama Chia Pet in its place?
And isn’t it a poor choice by Chia to debut this product on a black president? When the grass grows it clearly looks like he has an afro. In fact, I’m not the only one who thinks this. Apparently some Walgreens stores pulled this product from their shelves after many customers complained it was racist.
I guess that’s why they decided to throw in some Chia’s of dead white president’s just to cover their asses.
As racist as this product may seem, it can’t be worse than the Obama Fried Chicken stores that have popped up in New York.
Flirty Fitness Workout Video
Ladies, have you tried working out at the gym and your just not losing weight? Well maybe you should try dancing like a stripper for 10 days. Yup, thanks to the Flirty Fitness Workout Video, you can drop two pants sizes just by dancing like a whore!
The commercial has a woman dancing on a pole. Who the hell has a pole in their house!?
Ladies let me give you some advice. You can buy a million workout videos. They only work if you actually use them. And even then they are a waste of money. The way to lose weight has never changed. Eat less and exercise. It’s pretty simple.
I’m seriously blown away by this product. And by blown away, I mean I can’t believe someone actually thought it was a good idea to manufacture the “As Seen on TV Hat”. This is the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen.
First off, look at the length of the bill on this thing. It looks like the hat the kid wore in The Sandlot. Secondly, if you look closely at the pouch on the inside, it’s only big enough to fit an iPod. An iPhone will not fit, even though they mention the iPhone in the commercial—And that’s confirmed here.
Now to the best part of the commercial: the actors wearing the TV Hat.
First you have the girl in the bikini, who is clearly sitting in a studio behind a video of a random beach. They couldn’t even have her facing towards the fake picture of the ocean and make it look semi-realistic.
Then you got the guy on the treadmill that could be Ronnie from the Jersey Shore. Since he’s clearly at his home, couldn’t he just turn on the TV instead of wearing this ridiculous thing, while trying to exercise and watch a video on a 2-inch screen?
Finally, you have the girl at the airport that is laughing hysterically at something she’s watching in her TV hat. How terrified would you be if you saw this woman at the airport, wearing this ridiculous thing, while laughing uncontrollably? I’d hope to God she wasn’t boarding my plane.
There’s really no way anyone would buy this product right? The only way this product could possibly make money is if people decided to buy it as a gag gift for a friend. I’m pretty sure 95 percent of all their sales were used as a gag gift.
If you have a product that could be used in a future edition of Terrible Ideas That Make Money, send me an email.
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