During my daily commute I like to listen to sports talk radio in the car. Like most people, I listen to sports talk to catch up on news and scores and also to hear some intelligent analysis. Unfortunately, this is often interrupted by idiotic callers. There are many types of idiots who call up sports talk radio shows. I’m going to break down each kind for you.
THE HYPOTHETICAL TRADE CALLER
This is the caller who likes to call up with suggestions for ridiculous trades that will never happen and are completely one-sided in favor of the caller’s favorite team.
TYPICAL CALL: “Hey Mike. I figured out a way for the Mets to shore up their starting rotation. We trade Anderson Hernandez, Oliver Perez, Daniel Murphy and a couple minor leaguers to the San Francisco Giants for Tim Lincecum. Whadda think of that Mikey?”
Yeah… the Giants are going to trade the reigning Cy Young award winner for a bunch of scrubs and minor leaguers that were drafted by Omar Minaya. That sounds more asinine than George Costanza’s proposal to get Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds in the same outfield.
THE I HAVE THIS MANY POINTS CALLER
This guy calls up and makes an outline of his call before he says anything worthwhile.
TYPICAL CALL: “Hey Colin. Love the show. Big fan. I have three points to make. The first point is about the Dallas Cowboys. The second point is about Lebron James and the third point is about Albert Pujols. OK. Now to my first point…”
Usually the host will let him talk about one point and cut him off. Had he not wasted 20 seconds breaking down his call he might have been able to get more airtime.
THE BACK IN MY DAY CALLER
This type of caller is an old guy who calls up and complains about how everyone playing today is a bunch of pansies and how they couldn’t hold a candle to any of the guys who played when he was a kid.
TYPICAL CALL: “You know, these guys today are terrible, with the steroids and their big contracts. Back in my day sonny, Babe Ruth had a diet of hot dogs and beer. Mickey Mantle had a torn cartilage in his knee and a bum shoulder and he still played. These guys today, they get a cold and they take the day off.”
You’re an old, bitter man. NEWS FLASH. The guys playing today are MUCH better than the players 50 years ago. Athletes are stronger and have more knowledge of the game. Sports are global now and professional sports take athletes from a worldwide pool. Back in your day there were no minorities or foreign athletes in the game. There were no year-round training programs.
THE OLD MAN WHO LIKES TO REMINISCE
This is similar to the back in my day caller, but with a little twist. This is an old guy who calls up and talks about the time his daddy took him to the ball game as an eight-year old and rambles on forever.
TYPICAL CALL: “I remember back in 1949, my father took me to Fenway park for the Yankees vs. the Red Sox in July…or was it August. Noo. I think it was June. Anyway, I remember…what’s was his name…umm…Ted Williams. Yes. Ted Williams went 3-4 with a home run or was it 2-4?…”
Usually the sports host feels bad hanging up on the crazy old man and we are all forced to listen to the geezer ramble on about nonsense for five minutes.
THE JOBA CHAMBERLAIN NEEDS TO BE IN THE BULLPEN CALLER
If you live in New York you know what I’m talking about. For the past three years we’ve been forced to endure hundreds of calls from people saying how Joba Chamberlain should be in the bullpen. Every time the Yankee bullpen blows a lead or Joba struggles with his command, the airwaves are filled with Joba talk. Here’s how a typical call would go on 660 WFAN.
TYPICAL CALL: “Hey Boomah. This guy Joba, gotta be in the bullpen. Cashman is killin’ me! He’s no good as a starta! The Joba rules and the innings limit—It’s crazy Boom!
Fortunately this looks like the last year we will have this debate. On the other hand, we will now be forced to listen to the same debate for the next two years about Phil Hughes.
THE I CLAIM I’M A DIE HARD FAN BUT I MISPRONOUNCE THE NAME OF THE BEST PLAYER ON MY FAVORITE TEAM CALLER
First off, I can’t stand when people call up and the first thing say is that they are a die-hard fan of their favorite team and that they’ve been rooting for that team for however many years…Like they are on an interview or something and they have to prove they are worthy of calling.
TYPICAL CALL: First off…Let me just say I’m a die-hawd Boston Celtics fan. I’ve been rootin’ for them since 1967.
What makes it worse is when the same person can’t pronounce the best players name right. You would think if you are the “die-hard” fan you claim to be you’d be able to pronounce the franchise players name right.
TYPICAL CALL: I just wanted to say this Kelvin Garrett injury could be huge. We can’t afford to lose a guy like that!”
THE I WANT TO TRADE AWAY MY BEST PLAYER AFTER ONE BAD GAME CALLER
This guy calls up and wants to trade away the star player because he had one bad game.
TYPICAL CALL: “Dawg. A-Rod’s got to go Dawg. I can’t take it anymore! He’s just not clutch! I don’t care if he hits 50 HRs and drives in 150 runs a year. They all come when the score is 15-2! He’s not a true Yankee. You gotta earn ya pinstripes if ya wanna play in New Yawk. We need guys like Scott Brosius and Chad Curtis on this team if we ever want to win another championship! Get rid of this guy! He’s a bum! Bring up Ramiro Pena. I wanna see the young guys play!
Hmm…Trade away one of the best players who ever lived and bring up a light-hitting utility infielder. Thank God you aren’t running the Yankees.
Got any other types. Comment about it!
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