Seven Rules for Attending Baseball Games

I’m a pretty hardcore baseball fan.  I’ve played and watched baseball my entire life and I love everything about it.  I’m willing to bet there aren’t many people out there into our national pastime more than I am.

I’ve attended my fair share of baseball games over the years and every time I go, I always see some actions by other fans that get under my skin.  Some people just don’t know the right way to watch a baseball game.  When I go to games with Mrs. Sacks or my brother, I complain about these things constantly.  I guess I just can’t understand how people don’t enjoy the game as much as me.

Because of this, I’ve created some rules to inform you less-passionate baseball fans out there the proper way to attend a ball game.

Rule #1: Leaving the game early is not allowed (There are only a few exceptions to this rule)

I cannot understand how people can leave a game early—especially a game that is still in question.  How can you watch eight innings of a game and not see the final outcome?  That’s like going to see a Broadway play and then leaving during intermission.  Don’t you want to see what happens? You paid all this money.  Why not get your money’s worth!?

Unlike other sports, there is no clock in baseball.  The winning team has to record 27 outs.  So technically, no deficit is impossible to overcome.  You never know when you could be missing an historic comeback.  As a very smart Yankees fan said to me at a game recently, “I don’t leave until I hear Sinatra.” Wiser words have never been spoken

As I mentioned, there are a few exceptions to this rule:

Exception #1: You have small children.
After three hours of sitting in the same seat, your children have probably lost complete interest in the game and are likely misbehaving and annoying the crap out of you.  If it’s gotten to this point, you have a free pass to leave the game early.

Exception #2: The game goes into a long rain delay with your favorite team trailing by eight or more runs in the eighth inning on a freezing cold day in April, in which it’s likely the umpires will call the game early.
Those are the only two exceptions.  Extra innings, traffic and getting up early are not acceptable reasons for leaving a game early.

Rule #2: Grown men should not bring a glove to the game

If you’re over the age of 18 you should no longer bring your glove to the game.  There’s something so emasculating about a grown man sitting in the upper deck, pounding his glove, hoping for a souvenir off the bat of a 20 year-old ball player.  I’ve never caught a ball in my life and this bothers me immensely but I’m still not bringing a glove to a game.

I can recall an instance where I probably would have gotten my first souvenir if I had a glove. It was a few years ago and I was in Philadelphia for a Mets/ Phillies game at Citizens Bank Park.  We were sitting just to the right of the foul pole in the left field seats.

Prior the game, I made fun of a buddy of mine for bringing his glove to the game.  Shortly after, Carlos Gomez (then with the Mets) hit a deep fly ball to left that hooked foul at the last moment.  The ball was heading just to my right, about two seats over.  I dived over my wife (then girlfriend) and reached out for the ball.  It hit off my palm and landed in the hands of the guy behind me.  It was a difficult grab to make bare handed but very makeable with a glove.  My buddy—seeing an opportunity to get back at me for my earlier comments—said to me, “If you had a glove you would have caught it.”  I replied, “Probably. But I still don’t regret it.”

Rule #3 NO PINK HATS!!!

This one I cannot stress enough.  Men should not allow their girl to accompany them to the game wearing a pink hat with the logo of their favorite team.  This problem is particularly prevalent among perennial winners, such as the Yankees or Red Sox.

If your girl shows up to the game with a pink hat: DUMP HER.  It’s like Sonny’s test in “A Bronx Tale”. It’s a sure-fire way to tell if a girl is no good.  My last girlfriend before I met my wife wore a pink Yankees hat in my presence.  I was furious and demanded she take it off instantly.  I should have known at that point it was never going to work out.

Rule #4 If you purchase ice cream during the game, you must purchase it in the souvenir plastic cap.  No other type of ice cream purchase is acceptable.

This one seems to a no-brainer to me.  YOU HAVE TO eat the ice cream out of the little plastic hat.  I can’t really explain it, but it makes ice cream even more enjoyable than usual.  I was stunned to see Mrs. Sacks come back plastic hat-less after an ice cream run during the seventh inning stretch of a game recently.  I gave her a pass though.  She only got into baseball recently.  She’s still learning.

Rule #5 Sit in your seats

There have been a number of new stadiums built in major league baseball over the past decade or so.  These new state-of-the-art parks feature many exclusive “clubs” where people can hang out, eat and drink, and watch the games on television.  These are fine places to hang out before and after the game, but during the game, I’ll be sitting in my seat, ordering a hot dog and beer and taking in the action.

Yet even during the game, so many people will just hang out at one of these places, away from the field and watch the game on television. I DON’T GET THAT. If I wanted to watch the game on television, I could just stay home and not have to deal with traffic and overpriced parking.

Rule #6 Refuse to do the wave

I HATE THE WAVE. The wave is for small children and casual fans that are bored by the fifth inning. All it does is block my view of the game. I don’t care how much you try and prod me to do the wave; I’m not getting up unless my team makes an exciting play. You are also encouraged to spread the word of this rule to your friends. TOGETHER WE CAN ELIMINATE THE WAVE FOREVER.

Rule #7 Get your jersey updated

When attending a baseball game, if you decide to wear a jersey please DO NOT wear a jersey of player that is no longer on the team.  Don’t show up to Yankee Stadium with a Jason Giambi jersey or to an Indians game with a C.C. Sabathia jersey.  If you spent $100 dollars or more for a jersey of your favorite player and he was traded or signed with another team, that’s tough shit—buy a new one or wear something else.

However, it is ok to wear an old player’s jersey if they are a fan favorite from years’ past.   For example, a Kirby Puckett #34 Twins or a Gary Carter #8 Mets jersey is perfectly acceptable.

That about covers it!  Please follow these rules at all times.  Especially at games I attend.

If you have some rules of your own, feel free to share them.

13 comments for “Seven Rules for Attending Baseball Games

  1. Mrs. Sacks
    September 21, 2010 at 11:52 am

    You are ridiculous. Also, I had an ice cream float that day! How could I have had that in a plastic hat? Impossible.

  2. Kavorka
    September 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    LWB – I like your style. I, unfortunately, have to play devils advocate a bit here.

    Just a little background of myself…I love baseball. I watch (on tv) about 130 yankee games/year, and 30-70 Mets games (lets not question “how can you watch both at the same time?” please) depending on when they decide to crumble.

    I just want to give my outlook on some of the rules you propose…clearly with all due respect:

    Rule #1: Leaving the game early is not allowed

    Kavorka Says: This pertains only to Yankee games but…I like to get to the games about 70-80 minutes early, and kick it off hard core at the Yankee tavern. That usually leads to me hanging out in the bar and watching the first two innings on TV there. I usually stroll in about the third inning, and continue alcohol consumption. In the last 3 seasons, i’m yet to make it all the way to the ninth inning. So, another exception could be “Severe influence from alcoholic beverages”.

    Rule #2: Grown men should not bring a glove to the game

    Kavorka says: Couldn’t agree more. That might be the actual definition of a tool. I just assume those fellas aint all there upstairs…

    Rule #3 NO PINK HATS!!!

    Kavorka says: I guess that all comes down to.. “what do you hate more?? Pink hats or cancer awareness?” I too would hope that you can show that you are aware that cancer exists without wearing a pink hat…gotta give that one to you also.

    Rule #4 If you purchase ice cream during the game, you must purchase it in the souvenir plastic cap. No other type of ice cream purchase is acceptable.

    Kavorka says: Sure.

    Rule #5 Sit in your seat

    Kavorka says: Why do you care if i’m sitting in my shitty obstructed-view seat that I got for $8, or moving around every inning, watching from an observation area? I gotta disagree with this one. Unless i’m annoying anyone sitting in their seats while not sitting in mine, this shouldn’t be relevant.

    Rule #6 Refuse to do the wave

    Kavorka says: This kind of reminds me of the reason that I don’t vote…because MY VOTE DOESN”T COUNT (yeah I said it). You can choose to not do the wave, but one person alone can’t stop it….unfortunately. But, I agree.

    Rule #7 Get your jersey updated

    Kavorka says: I kind of agree with this. But there’s additional exceptions. If a player, who is still a well received player, has an amicable separation from a team, do you really have to update your jersey?? ie Matsui?

    Sorry for the long response. Your site kicks ass brotha!!

  3. September 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Thanks Kavorka. Awesome and well thought out response. No need to apologize. This is definitely one of the better comments I’ve had in a while.

  4. ThatAintKosher
    September 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    I am SO glad you put in the “No pink hats rule.” However, I’m going to modify this to “no weird colors.” For example- green Yankees hats, orange Sox hats, etc. Wear your team colors, and that’s it. Even if your kid is really young- start them off right.

    Also, I hate The Wave. Don’t do it. EVER.

    But really, must everyone comment on the Mets’ collapse? My heart is already broken.

  5. Pingback: The Campus Socialite » Best Hangover Foods, Why Bros Love Getting Wasted At Bad Times, Baseball Game Rules
  6. September 28, 2010 at 10:40 am

    I agree. A better rule would be to just stick with your teams’ color. Also, Kavorka, I don’t think girls wear pink hats for breast cancer awareness. If that was the case, I’d probably be ok with it. I think they just wear them as a fashion statement.

  7. September 29, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Yeah, I’m with you on basically all of these. People don’t leave a movie early – why leave a game early? To beat traffic? Seriously?

    Many years ago, I was at a A game (Peoria Chiefs) in early April. It was about 35 degrees, and I hate cold weather. I had to bail around the 7th inning because of frozen extremities. I hated myself for having to do it.

    I don’t like any “fake” hats – not just the pink ones. If the players don’t wear the color on the field, why do fans want to wear it?

  8. September 29, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    WOW. I’m amazed you made it that long Kosmo. I think a low-level minor league game in which its 35 degrees could also be considered one of the exceptions.

  9. Bro
    October 2, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I whole heartedly agree with so many of your rules. We must be related. Way to get the Sonny test in there. Ice cream in a plastic hat is a must. Ban the wave!

  10. Kay
    October 23, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Is the chick in the pic of #6 Kate? From Jon & Kate? lol

  11. October 24, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    It does kind of look like her

  12. Deuce McGee
    April 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    We abided by every rule. We also audibily complained about the wave, despite people in our section joining in. That counts for bonus points.

  13. Brad
    July 20, 2013 at 3:28 am

    First of all, I have to say I love your website. It’s awesome and hilarious. I agree with everything you said about baseball. I’m glad I found a person who loves the game as much as me or pretty close. I love baseball so much. I follow all teams pretty much but my favorite team is the Yankees. I have a massive card collection too. Sucks you never caught a ball. I went to game 6 of the 2009 World Series, the game the Yankees won it over the Phillies. I saw some idiots leave that game early. I got a game ball that day… with no glove. Just about the best day ever!!
    PS: You sound like a guy I would love to sit next to at the game… Especially if it was like a 17 inning game

    I know this comment is really late and you might never see it but I just found your site a few months ago. I love this site so keep up the great and funny work!!!

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