Rules of “Engagement”

I recently got engaged to my longtime girlfriend a few months ago.  Last month we moved in together.  We went from a long-distance relationship, seeing each other twice a month, to seeing each other ALL THE TIME.  Needless to say, this can take quite an adjustment.

One thing I’ve quickly learned is that rules need to be established in order for things to work.  In order for the relationship to survive, each person has to compromise.  This is especially true when it comes to household errands and chores.  These tasks need to be split up and assigned in order to make things go smoothly.

There are some tasks that should be shared, but the ones listed below must only be done by one party. If you follow these rules exactly it will probably save you many fights in the future.

Tasks the Woman Should Always Do:

Thank You Notes:  Weddings, baby showers, kids birthdays etc; serious couples will constantly find themselves with the annoying task of writing thank you notes throughout the course of their lives.

Once you get married or engaged the man ceases to write thank you notes for the rest of his life (there’s a good chance the man never wrote one before anyway).  If a man does it, the handwriting will be sloppy, the thank you notes ugly and each note will be written exactly the same.  Don’t trust a man to do this EVER.

Presents: Once you get married, the guy no longer has to buy a present other than for his wife.  It’s the woman responsibility to remember everyone’s birthday, even his Mother.  Every holiday, every birthday, every special event; the woman must pick out the gift and the man is entitled to just slap his name on it.

Cleaning the Bathroom:  Ladies, you will be sorry if you assign this task to your man.  Guys have a higher threshold for filth than women.  I’d say the ratio of times a woman would clean the bathroom to a man is probably 3:1.  So if the woman cleans the bathroom once every two weeks, the man will go at least a month and half before cleaning it.  Assigning this task to a man will just lead to constant nagging and the woman just giving up and doing it anyway.  Ladies, unless you want to shower in a tub layered in pubic hair or piss in a toilet that should probably be quarantined you will clean the bathroom yourself.

Laundry:  Do you really want to trust a man to wash your $80 Victoria’s Secret bra and your $150 jeans that are supposed to make your butt look good?  Guys don’t separate dark and lights.  We don’t put anything on delicate and we always forget to clean the lint trap.  So ladies, do the laundry.  Wash our sweaty arm-pit stained undershirts and our skid-marked underwear and like it.

Making the Bed: Guys don’t make beds.  At least I don’t.  Before I lived with my fiancé, the only time I made my bed is when she came over.  What the hell is the point of making a bed other than to have a place to throw peoples jackets on when you have company?  You are just going to mess it up the next night anyway.  The filth rule also applies here too.  Guys will not change their sheets for a month at least. Guys will wait until their pillowcase is covered in grease from their hair before putting new sheets on.  Ladies, if having a made bed, that is clean is that important, you are going to have to suck it up and do it yourself.

Tasks the Man Should Always Do

Heavy lifting:  This is a fairly obvious one.  Shopping bags, furniture, luggage, you name it.  Guys are destined to a life of lifting heavy shit once they get married. Women like stuff and lot of it is heavy.  So buy a weight belt and stay limber.  You never know when she will need you to carry something for her.

Paying the bills: Never trust a woman with the finances.  Even if she makes more money than you.  My woman has no concept of a budget.  If I trusted her with the money, I’d have no electricity and a closet full of designer purses.

Garbage and Recycling:  Like I mentioned before, girls don’t like filth.  So men must always be the one to do this.  This also falls into the heavy lifting category.

Drive on Road Trips:  I don’t know about you but I’d feel like less of a man if made my girl drive on long road trips.  The man must be the one forced to deal with traffic and mapping a route, getting gas, checking the oil; basically anything involving the car, the dude should handle, even if that’s not really your thing.

These sorta tasks just can’t be trusted to a woman.  I don’t know about you but I usually just end up holding my breath and praying every time my girl drives anyway.  It’s just easier if I do it.

Put Stuff Together:  Throughout the course of your life, you will purchase things that say “some assembly required.”  This could be a desk, crappy IKEA furniture, kids bikes, whatever the case may be.  The guy is always burdened with this horrible task of sorting through 50 different sizes of screws and deciphering the instructions that are translated directly from Chinese.  So fellas, grab a beer or two and remember: patience is a virtue.

…And that’s about it!  Follow these rules and your living situation with your woman will be much improved.  Have any others? List them below in the comment section.

8 comments for “Rules of “Engagement”

  1. Future Mrs. S
    August 5, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Women have all the tedious chores….

  2. name
    September 30, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I’m a fan of man-humor, I can take a good “bash on a woman joke” with the rest of them, but this is NOT humorous, it is just ignorant. This is my first ever “hate” comment, and I sort of feel bad about it, but not really, because this is just terrible. PLEASE stop. I know I will for sure not be coming back to this blog.

  3. John
    September 30, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Good. We don’t want you coming back.

    • Beth
      March 29, 2013 at 5:21 pm

      Wow this is a terrible website. You are very sexist and backwards. I will also not be returning to this website.

  4. Krauss
    October 13, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    The only one I disagree with is the part about the finances. Based on an informal poll of couples I know – i.e. The ones that just popped into my head within the last ten seconds – it’s about 50/50 whether the woman or the man is capable of handling the bills. Certainly, in my case, I could be dating Imelda Marcos and still need her to handle the money for me.

  5. Jabberwock
    December 3, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    One you didn’t mention…dishes. I think that one can go either way. Personally, I think it’s an easy one so I don’t mind doing it from time to time.

    As for making the bed, I usually end up doing that one…she loves eating in bed and I hate sleeping in crumbs.

  6. Tom
    January 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Since I have been bankrupt and my wife hasn’t, SHE handles the finances.

    Although thanks to her my credit is good now.

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