Restructuring the U.S. Holidays

The holidays in the United States are completely out of whack.  We get off for days we should be working and we work on days we should have off.

It’s time we made some changes.

Here at LWB, I’ve decide to write a proposal that will drastically alter the holidays in this country.

With Election Day around the corner, I suggest you send this proposal to your local representative and suggest he or she push for this radical restructuring.

In this post, I will discuss which holidays should be eliminated and why, and then I will determine a replacement for that holiday (since us Americans certainly do not want to lose any days off).

Holiday to be eliminated: COLUMBUS DAY
What a completely pointless holiday.  There’s no reason garbage men can’t pick up my trash and mailmen can’t deliver my mail on a random Monday in October.  We’re celebrating a guy who “discovered” America.  Everyone knows he didn’t really discover it.  Natives were already living there and the Vikings had found Canada long before that.  Not to mention, the dude didn’t even land in the United States.  The Nina, the Pinta and The Santa Maria docked in the Bahamas.

That Columbus guy really stepped in shit.  He accidentally finds a “new” continent, then get a bajillion cities, streets and counties named after him and is awarded a holiday in his honor 500 years afterwards.  We should all be so lucky.

Replace Columbus Day with: SUPER BOWL SUNDAY
Since Columbus Day can hardly be called American, I think it’s only fair we replace it with something that is truly part of our culture.  I’m talking about football of course.

Now the Super Bowl is already on a Sunday, so most people are fortunate to have off already.  But there are still some poor saps that get stuck working during the game.  I propose that all non-essential workers (cops and doctors would still have to work) should have the day off.

Everyone should be able to have the opportunity to watch the Super Bowl.  I also propose that if the team in your city wins the Super Bowl, you are also allowed to take the following day off, as you will probably be hung over from a long night of celebration.


Holiday to be eliminated: PRESIDENT’S DAY
Look, we all know that Abe Lincoln and George Washington were an integral part of U.S. history and they should be celebrated for that.  But it’s not even their real birthday! We just picked the third Monday in February because it’s kinda close.

Do we really need this day off? It’s not a religious holiday and it doesn’t really have any significance to anyone alive today.  Get your fucking asses to work people.

Replace President’s Day with: ST. PATRICK’S DAY
Definitely a much more fun day than friggin’ President’s Day.  It’s a day of partying and drinking.  What’s not to like about that?—except that we are all stuck at work.

Also, the time around March is when there is a serious lull in holidays. Except for the rare occasion where Easter falls in March, we don’t have a single holiday break to look forward to.  We might as well throw a day off in the middle of March to help break up these holidays better.   St. Patrick’s Day is the perfect excuse for a day off!


Holiday to be eliminated: MEMORIAL DAY
Memorial Day is typically one of my favorite holidays.  It’s signifies the start of summer. I usually spend the day at the beach or in the backyard, eating good food and having a few cold ones.  It’s a great time.

Yet when you think about it, should we really be having fun on this day?  The day is honoring all the people that died in war protecting our country. It’s supposed to be a very somber day. We should all have to go to work on Memorial Day and be miserable.

This is the same reason why September 11th should NEVER be a holiday.  I don’t want future generations of children looking forward to September 11th because they don’t have to go school.

Replace with: ROSH HASHANAH/ YOM KIPPUR
Most public schools already give you off on these days, but if you’re in the workforce, you’re probably working on the Jewish holidays.  The Jews deserve to get these days off without having to take a personal day.  Plus, Jewish people have benefited from getting Christian holidays off all their lives.  It’s about time us Gentiles benefit from some Jewish holidays.


Holiday to be eliminated: VALENTINE’S DAY
Now I know we don’t actually get the day off for this holiday but I propose it be completely wiped off the calendar.  I’ve expressed my disgust for this holiday before on this site and my feelings have not wavered.

It’s a basically a holiday where men have to spend exorbitant amounts of money and put in a whole lot of effort,  just so they can have sex with their significant other, when on any normal day,  a man in a relationship can probably have sex without emptying his bank account or even getting off the couch.

You single people… don’t be depressed when Valentine’s Day rolls around.  You may be the lucky ones.

Replace with: STEAK AND BLOW JOB DAY
It’s time we made Steak and Blow Jobs Day an official holiday. It falls on March 14th, a month after Valentine’s Day (which won’t exist with my proposal). It’s a holiday for men, where all we ask for is a nice steak dinner and a blow job from our woman.  This would immediately become my new favorite holiday.

If you have any other suggestions, please leave a comment and I will include it in my proposal.

4 comments for “Restructuring the U.S. Holidays

  1. Deuce McGee
    October 28, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Nice suggestions, though I say if you have to work on Sunday and that makes you miss the Super Bowl, f you. I’d rather see a “Super Bowl Monday” holiday where we all benefit and I can have as many Yeunglings as I want without worrying about work the next morning.

  2. ThatAintKosher
    November 2, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    This is my new favorite post of yours. First of all, I’m Jewish and I’m insulted that we don’t get these holidays off. They’re just as important to our religion as Easter and Christmas are to the Catholics.

    Also, my brother and I were JUST talking about how the Superbowl is practically considered a holiday here anyway, so they might as well make it one.

  3. November 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Thanks ThatAintKosher. My wife is Jewish also so I figured I’d try and help her out with my proposal as well.

  4. MontanaNutcase
    January 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

    I love the Steak and Blowjob day idea. I propose, however, that your woman also has to eat steak while giving you a BJ, because nothing is hotter than a woman that enjoys a good hunk of beef while enjoying MY hunk of sausage at the same time.

    BTW there should be a topic about “vegetarian chicks are annoying” here on LWB.

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