This has been an absolutely brutal winter throughout the majority of the United States. The Northeast has been hit particularly hard, with Old Man Winter metaphorically ass-raping us with frigid temperatures and record-breaking snow fall. Here in New York, it seems like we’ve been getting hit with a major storm just about every week. It’s been rough to say the least.
Whenever humans are tested and pushed to their limit, (like we have this winter) we tend to see both the best and the worst of people. Sure, many people have done great things, like shovel an elderly person’s walkway or help a stranded car out of the snow. But here at Living with Balls I prefer to spotlight the idiots who come out whenever it snows. Yup, that’s right. It’s time for another edition of Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face….Winter Edition!
The Snow Lover Who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy
Most adults hate snow. It makes everything more complicated. We have to get up earlier than usual to shovel our walk and clear the car, so we can get to work on time. We have to bring a change of shoes, so our feet aren’t soaked all day. We have to worry about skidding out on the roads or having our travel plans disrupted. Yet there is always some grown man who is SUPER excited for snow. Check out an actual status update that a Facebook “friend” of mine wrote…
“why are people complaining about snow falling in the winter time? No one ever says why is the sun is out again in July? Enjoy it…”
Enjoy it? What the fuck is there to enjoy about it? I’m not fucking six. I don’t plan on making snow angels in the front yard or having a snowball fight with my friends. You know why no one ever complains about the sun in July? Because the sun is awesome. Who doesn’t like sunlight? This is a stupid fucking analogy. It makes no sense and I feel dumber for reading it.
Maybe this should be my reply to his status update: “I threw my back out shoveling snow, crashed my car and had my flight get cancelled but enjoy it! The snow is so pretty!”
…and yes, snowfall is very majestic looking at first…but if you live in any major city like I do, that lasts for about 15 minutes and then all the snow turns black with dirt and grime—and it stays that way until March when it finally melts.
So shut your mouth Snow Lover who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy before I shut it for you!
The Weather Report Guy
Weather report guy feels the need to tell everyone he runs into about the impending doom ahead…AKA…a few snow flurries. He’s obsessed with any snowstorm. Here’s an example…
Weather Report Guy: Hey Johnny Sacks, did you hear? They are saying we are gonna get 8-10 inches now.
Johnny Sacks: Thanks Weather Report Guy, you gave me an update an hour ago though.
Weather Report Guy: Yeah but that was when it was supposed to be 6-8 inches, now its 8-10!. I gotta get to the supermarket and stock up on toilet paper!
Johnny Sacks: Good idea, we may not be able to get out of the house for weeks with those 8 inches we’re gonna get. Better make sure you have plenty of opportunities to wipe your ass.
Look weather report guy, I get it…snow consumes your life. You don’t need to keep updating me all the time. If I want to know, I’ll turn on the news, or the radio or any other media outlet— And stop freaking out and crowding all the stores to stockpile rations anytime the weather man says we may get some snow. You’re a grown, physically fit, healthy man. You’ll be able to get out of the house. It’s not fucking Armageddon. Old people you get a pass on that. I know it’s hard for you to get around. So you’re allowed to stock up on all the toilet paper you’d like.
The Where’s Global Warming Guy?
The Where’s Global Warming Guy likes to the utter his namesake anytime it’s freezing cold. He may say something like: “Hey I thought we were getting global warming? Why is it 12 degrees out right now!
I don’t really have a problem with whatever your views are on global warming. I’m not really sure where I stand on it myself (although, whether it exists or not, it can’t hurt to have a few more trees around). I just think that joke is soooo played. As someone who runs a humor blog, I’d like to see a little more originality. Maybe say something like “Al Gore is a liberal douchebag, who doesn’t know shit” or “Fuck those stupid polar bears. I want to be warm!”…something like that. I don’t know. I’m just throwing some ideas out there.
…and of course when it comes to snow, the biggest idiots are on the road…
The Shovels the Snow into the Street Guy
Shovels the Snow in the Street Guy is a complete ass. He’s too lazy to make a neat pile of snow, so he negates all the work the plows have done by dumping all the snow from his driveway into the street.
I was stuck at a red light the other day, a couple days after the last big snow storm hit, and traffic was bad so I was in the same spot for a minute or two. This guy on the sidewalk, was shoveling the snow from in front of his business, walking it into the street and placing it right in front of the wheels of the car in front of me! So after sitting there for two minutes, there was a significant pile of snow in front of the car. I was very tempted to walk out of the car, knock him down and put his face in the pile of snow he had so carefully placed in my immediate path.
The Doesn’t Clean His Car Off Guy
The Doesn’t Clean his Car Off Guy does not have the time to properly clean off his car after the storm. He can’t be bothered with brushing off all the windows and headlights. He just runs his windshield wipers a couple times and backs out with snow still on his roof, side and back windows and tail lights. Doesn’t Clean his Car Guy is more important than you and doesn’t realize he’s causing a driving hazard behind him, because all the snow is blowing off his car and distracting the driver behind him.
So you’re too busy to be bothered Doesn’t Clean His Car off Guy? How I about I knock you out cold, then you’ll really be late to whatever important place you have to go!
The Parks his Car in the Right Lane Because There is Too Much Snow Guy
We’ve had a TON of snow in the Northeast. So much so, that we are running out of places to put it. A lot of parking spots, particularly on main streets, are covered with snow and are inaccessible. That doesn’t faze Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy. Him and 50 other assholes will just leave there car in the right-hand lane instead while they do their errands. This forces every car on the road to try and switch over to the middle or left lane. This causes a ridiculous amount of traffic and may even cause an accident. Apparently Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy think he’s just as important as Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy. Maybe Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy, will have low visibility because he didn’t clean his windshield properly and accidentally crash head-on into your car, which is illegally parked in the right lane. That would kill two birds with one stone and help brighten up what has been an otherwise dreary winter.
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