Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face: Wedding Edition

It’s time for a special edition of one of my most popular features: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. Since I’ll be getting married in a few weeks, I thought I’d do a special edition dedicated to the people involved in planning a wedding (This will be the first of a number of wedding-related posts this month, so be sure to look out for those).

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out.

The Invention of the Garter Toss Guy
I’ve seen this with a lot of weddings recently. First the bride tosses the bouquet to a group of single women. Then the groom takes the garter from the bride and tosses it to a crowd of single guys. THEN, the guy who caught the garter must put it on the girl who caught the bouquet.

Every time I see this, it always pairs up the most inappropriate two people. IT NEVER FAILS. If you do this at your wedding you’re guaranteed to have your brother sticking his hand up your first cousin’s dress in front of your 95-year-old grandma; which will make a for a few very awkward moments.

This is just a terrible, terrible idea and should not be allowed at any weddings. Who ever came up with this idea should be punched hard enough so that he never comes up with any ideas ever again.

Wedding Invitation Guy
Of all the ridiculous crap you have to spend an absurd amount of money on when getting married, I didn’t expect wedding invitations to be one of them. I guess I was just being naïve because, really, how much could paper cost? WOW. I was severely mistaken.

I’m pretty sure all wedding invitation vendors are colluding with each other to make an exorbitant profit off engaged couples. They can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want. What are you going to do? You need wedding invitations! Thank God we had a family friend who sold wedding invitations and gave us a discount. It was STILL A RIP-OFF! I’d like to give all you invitation vendors a giant collective punch in the face!

While I’m at it, I wouldn’t mind smacking around the Florist and the Photographer either. Their prices are just as bad. Basically the only vendor who charges a reasonable amount of money is the DJ, and he works harder than anyone.

Hotel Direction Card Guy
We had our wedding out of town and good amount of our guests had to stay over night. We had about 60 rooms booked between two nights. Let me reiterate that: 60 ROOMS! The hotel only provided us with 60 directions cards (one per room). Since we were inviting 200 people, we obviously needed more than that. When we called to request more, the manager said they don’t give out anymore and we have to make copies on our own.

WE BOOKED 60 FUCKING ROOMS!! We probably gave them $15,000 in business and they are going to cheap out over a couple hundred direction cards?! The only excuse for this is if they are buying their paper from the wedding invitation guy. That could get expensive for them.

My initial plan was to call out the hotel but then I found out from some other engaged friends that most hotels do this! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Just for that, I will steal bath towels and hangers from your establishment and not feel guilty about it.

Late RSVP Guy
How fucking hard is it to mail the RSVP card back? We make it so easy for you! The address is on there. The stamp is on there. All you have to do is write YES or NO and drop it in the mail box! Are you not capable of completing this task within the one month period I’ve given you to respond? At this stage in the wedding planning process, I have 50 other things going on. The last thing I want to do is make 20 phone calls the week before my wedding to see if you’re coming. Don’t be surprised if I smack you around a bit when you congratulate me at the receiving line.

The RSVP’s with a Guest but Wasn’t Invited with a Guest Guy
Of all the wedding faux pas, no act bothers me more than the person who decided he’s going put a guest on the RSVP when he wasn’t invited with a guest. Do I need to spend over $100 a plate so some slut you met three weeks ago can have a nice time at my wedding?

Do I need to have your three kids come and eat chicken fingers and fish sticks for the price of Filet Mignon? Here’s a little hint RSVP’s with a Guest When he Wasn’t Invited with a Guest Guy, if the invitation doesn’t say “guest” or “family” then they aren’t fucking invited! We didn’t accidentally leave them off. Don’t call me and ask and, most certainly do not just go ahead and put their name on the RSVP because I will hunt you down and SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!

For those who have gone through the wedding planning process, feel free to share who you wanted to punch in the face along the way.

Maybe these guys were just fed up with the “You’re Next Guy”

6 comments for “Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face: Wedding Edition

  1. Deuce McGee
    June 17, 2010 at 11:03 am

    I mean, you more or less nailed this one. I’ll take towels from the hotel at your wedding as well if it’ll make you feel better. I’m honestly having a hard time thinking of anything to add, and I’m getting married soon myself.

    You’re next!

  2. FutureMrs_S
    June 17, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Well said Mr. S! I was laughing out loud on the train! Good thing that in a few weeks it will all be over.

  3. June 17, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Great read….good to see this column back.

    Just wait until you are opening presents and encounter the guy who chipped in a $20 voucher to some sh*t heap store but drank the most free booze. That is the guy who needs the punch in the face!

    Also the same “you’re next” guy will be asking you “when are you having the baby now that you are married” guy.

    PS: Congrats! hope it all goes well.

  4. June 18, 2010 at 10:43 am

    hahaha thanks. I actually think the “When are you having a baby” person will be my mother.

  5. AuntBT
    June 18, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    I couldn’t agree more!!! I may not have gotten married yet, but I am an event coordinator, and almost all of my friends are married. So, I’ve witnessed or had to deal with most of these. All I can say is, people should just rejoice that they were invited. They forget that they’re not that special.

  6. HebrewHammer
    June 23, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    Haha have some pent up aggression much? FEAR THE RATH OF GROOM-ZILLA

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