Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face is Back! This edition is going to be a little different though. Don’t worry, I’ll still be talking about people I want to punch in the face. You’ll just see a number of references from the movie Anchorman scattered throughout the post. See if you can spot the them.
THE FIRST COMMENTER GUY
This is the guy who comments on a blog and all he puts is “FIRST!!” Congrats, you’re the first commenter on some stupid blog like this one. WANNA COOKIE! You are a waste of life first commenter guy. I would like to smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Mrs. Commenter Guy, out for a nice seafood dinner and NEVER CALL HER AGAIN!
THE TRIES TO GET ON A SUBWAY BEFORE THE DOZENS OF PEOPLE CAN GET OFF IT GUY
Anyone who lives in any major metropolitan area knows and LOATHES this guy. It’s 5:00 pm on a Friday. It’s rush hour. You are trying get off the smelly, disgusting, overcrowded train so you can catch another overcrowded connecting train and some jerk-off decides he is going to squeeze through the 50 people trying to get out of the car, rather than waiting for everyone to get out first. If you wanna throw down Gets on the Subway Before People can Get Off Guy, let’s THROW DOWN! I got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary waiting for ya right here!
THE FAT GIRL WHO HATES ON HOT GIRLS ON TV
You ever see this? A fat girl is watching TV and she makes a jealous comment about every hot girl on television. It usually sounds something like this:
“Oh that Kim Kardashian is so gross. Her ass is soooo big. Why do guys like that?”
(eats another cheese puff)
“God I hate Jessica Simpson. She’s such a fat whore”
(as cheese puff crumbs fall from her mouth)
I’d like to punch you in the ovary, Fat Girl Who Hates on Hot Girls on TV. That’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the baby maker.
THE DOESN’T FLUSH AFTER HE USES A PUBLIC TOILET GUY
I can’t stand it when I need to take a dump and every toilet in a public place is filled with rotting shit and lined with ass-soaked toilet paper. Sometimes it’s so bad I need to call the CDC before I go near that toilet. If everyone just flushed after they did their business, the world would be a better place. I never catch the guy in the act but if I did I’d throw a trident through his chest and then lay low for a couple days, since I’d probably be wanted for murder.
THE DISCONNECTS XBOX LIVE IN A GAME OF MADDEN SO HE DOESN’T GET A LOSS GUY
After countless games of getting your ass kicked by some 11-year old, you’re finally dominating in a game of Madden. Then the asshole you’re playing disconnects his Xbox Live in the fourth quarter and the win doesn’t even register! This is getting to be ri-goddamn-dicolous! Go fuck yourself Disconnects Xbox Live Guy!
And now for some “real” people I’d like to punch in the face.
Most mornings, I like to turn on Saved by the Bell as I get ready for work. Despite the cheesy storylines and bad acting, I still love it…but only the high school episodes. Those junior high episodes SUCK. There’s no worse way to start my day then to turn on TBS and see those old episodes of Saved by the Bell, with that stupid lesbo Ms. Bliss. The only thing worse than you Ms. Bliss is that crappy Saved by the Bell, the New Class. If you were a man, Ms. Bliss, I would punch you. Punch you right in the mouth.
ANY EXECUTIVE FOR NBC
NBC you’ve been screwing up your primetime lineup for years and now you have destroyed the only good thing you had going for you: Conan O’Brien. I’d like to punch you so hard it would knock you back into fourth place (oh wait, you already are in fourth place).
I miss you so damn much Conan. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Sure, Mark McGwire admitted he used steroids during his career and most importantly, during the 1998 season when he smacked a then-record 70 home runs. I suppose I should give him credit for that. Yet, the guy has the balls to claim he didn’t take steroids to build strength.
“I did this for health purposes. There’s no way I did this for any type of strength use,” said McDouchebag. “There’s not a pill or an injection that’s going to give me, going to give any player the hand-eye coordination to hit a baseball.” YEAAAAH. OK. How naïve does he think we are?
Here’s a little tidbit for you Mark: Before 1998, only two players had ever hit 60 home runs or more. Those players (Babe Ruth and Roger Maris) were both left-handed hitters playing in Yankee Stadium, when right field was 290 feet from home plate (They also had Lou Gehrig and Mickey Mantle protecting them respectively). So you mean to tell me that you hit 70 HOME RUNS in a good-sized ball park and that the steroids you took have nothing to do with it? Get the fuck outta here McAsshole. I can’t believe we thought the home run race with McGwire and Sosa was legit. As an avid baseball fan, it makes me sick. You stay classy Mark McGwire.
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