Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face 5

After a long lay-off, it time to bring back one of the most popular features on Living with Balls: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. I took some time away from this feature because I had run out of guys that I wanted to punch out. Yet in recent weeks, a new batch of idiots has crossed my path, thus inspiring me to revive the dormant feature.

Here’s a new list of people I’d like to punch in the face!

The Bathroom Attendant Guy
Ever go to a fancy restaurant or a wedding and there is some dude just hanging out in the bathroom, handing out paper towels and watching people piss? I hate this friggin’ guy. All he does is stand by the sink in a fancy suit, hand people paper towels and look for tips.

So because you handed me a paper towel, now I have to tip you? FUCK. THAT. A nutless monkey could do your job. I’ll pocket my dollar and get the paper towel myself. I’d like to punch this guy right in the mouth, so that his lip is bleeding, then hand him a paper towel to clean himself off, while holding out my other hand for a tip because I gave him the towel.

The Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy
There are few things that drive me nuts more than the Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy. I’m not talking about the guy who just rides his bike along the side of the road. I’m talking about the guy who thinks he’s Lance Fucking Armstrong and rides his bike in the middle of the road. I’m talking about the guy who sits in the left-hand turn lane at a stop light and signals with his arm like he’s driving a motorcycle. I’m talking about the group of 30 people who think they are in the Tour De France and block the entire right lane, going 15 mph during the rush hour commute.

This is infuriating to me. When I see Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy, it takes all my willpower to calmly put my signal on and move to the other lane, rather than sideswiping his spandex-wearing ass off his fucking Schwinn.

Airplane Recliner Guy
I’ve never been fortunate enough to sit in first class. When I fly, I’m forced to ride coach with the other dregs of society. Perhaps the worst thing about sitting in coach is the lack of leg room. Every airline tries to squeeze every last possible seat onto the plane and that leaves customers with barely enough leg room for a midget to be comfortable. I’m a pretty tall guy, so needless to say, long plane rides can be pretty uncomfortable for me.

What makes the flight worse is when the person in front of me decides to recline his seat. I don’t think there is a more selfish act than reclining your seat on a flight in coach. I don’t even know why airlines give you the option. They should ban reclining seats from all airplanes.

Screw you Airplane Recliner Guy.! If I could punch you out without being arrested for terrorism, I would squeeze out of my seat, grab you out of your slumber and knock the ever-loving shit out of you!

The Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy
As someone who does a lot of driving in the boroughs of New York City, I encounter Holds Down on the Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy on almost a daily basis—and I hate him more every fucking day.

I’m sorry my reaction time is not fast enough for you. Please accept my apologies for you arriving at your destination a quarter of a second later than expected. When I drive and I’m behind someone who doesn’t see the light change, I typically give them a reasonable amount of time before I honk at them—and when I do honk, it’s a friendly one…like two quick taps. Honks his Horn Guy will hold down on his horn like you just tried to run him off the road.

In New York, Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy takes many forms, but typically it’s an immigrant driving one of those ghetto, unmarked taxis. One day, I’d like to just put my car in park, get out and smash Holds His Horn Guy’s face against the very steering wheel he used to honk at me.

The Says “Yup” in Place of You’re Welcome Guy
I’ve noticed an annoying trend lately. Many people are replacing “Yup” with “you’re welcome” when someone says thank you. Who the fuck taught these people manners? The word “yup” just sounds so dismissive. Saying “yup” takes away all the goodwill I had after you performed whatever service that resulted in me saying thank you to you in the first place.

However, I will also accept “no problem,” or “my pleasure” as a response to “thank you.” “Yup” will never be an acceptable response. If you can’t expel the extra energy it takes to utter a couple extra syllables then I’ll be forced to punch you so hard that you won’t have to worry about saying anything for a while.

The Inventor of the Bathroom Air Hand Dryer
It’s occurring to me as I write this that I seem to have many issues with public bathrooms. In fact, after looking back through my older posts, I realized I have complained about public bathrooms on multiple occasions in this series. One other thing that bothers me is the stupid air hand dryer. I just hate when there are no paper towels in a public bathroom and I’m forced to sit there for like 30 seconds waving my hands back and forth like an idiot until they get somewhat dry.

I get we’re all trying to be “green” these days but can’t I at least dry my hands with a paper towel still? I’ll offset my carbon footprint by bringing cloth bags to the supermarket. Can I get paper towels now?

I think the air hand dryer is un-American. American’s want every thing done quickly. We have fast food, fast cars and we should be able to dry our hands fast. We don’t have the patience to sit there and wait for our hands to dry. I know I never do. I usually give up after about five seconds and just wipe my hands on my jeans.

Now I’ve begun to see these Dyson hand dryers—you know, the same company that makes those absurd vacuum cleaners. The first time I saw one of these, I wasn’t even sure what it was. It took me five minutes to figure out I was supposed to use it to dry my hands. It may be a step in the right direction though. They are definitely quicker than the conventional ones. However, according to the web site, it still takes 12 seconds to dry your hands—which is about 11 seconds too slow for me.

The Idiot at ESPN.com Who Decided to Make People Pay for ESPN Insider
I usually check ESPN.com on a daily basis. Sometimes a headline will catch my eye and I start to read the opening paragraph, only to scroll down and find out that I have to sign up for ESPN insider to read the rest of the article. That’s BULLSHIT. It’s 2010. There are thousands of other web sites I can read to get info about sports. Why should I pay the fee for this?

It’s bad enough that every time I click on a page, some loud video advertisement plays automatically. I know it’s only three bucks a month for ESPN insider but I refuse to pay for it as a matter of principle. In a world where I can get limitless porn for free, why would I pay to read Eric Karabell’s fantasy football blog?

ESPN is bringing in money everywhere. Do they really need my $3 a month to get by? Fuck you ESPN Insider guy! I’d like to knock you out cold and then reach into your wallet and take three bucks from you!

That Purple Bear from Toy Story 3
(spoiler alert!) That purple bear in Toy Story 3 is a FUCKING CUNT. First he tricks all of Andy’s toys to go into that room where all the little kids beat the crap out of them. Then he managed to get all the toys thrown in a garbage dump. Even after all that, the heroic Woody saves the purple bear from impending death. How does the fat purple bear repay him? By leaving Woody and the rest of the crew to suffer what appeared to be certain death. Not only did he not try and save the toys but he purposely tricked all of them by making them think he was going to save them, only to run away at the last second.  If it wasn’t for some deus ex machina there, Woody, Buzz and the rest of the crew would have been toast. What a fucking ASSHOLE. I hate that fucking bear—and yes I’m a 28 year-old male without children and I watched Toy Story 3. Don’t fucking question my masculinity. I’ll punch your ass out!

13 comments for “Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face 5

  1. Mrs. Sacks
    November 15, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Sunnyside is a place of ruin and despair ruled by a plush bear that smells of strawberries…

    But the bear is cute :)

  2. November 15, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    The horn guy at the lights kills me!

    I copped this the other day from a rich old bitch in a Lexus tooting me at 3 separate lights the instant it turned green. At the next set of lights when she did it again I stopped in the middle of the interesction and waited until the lights went red before taking off which left her dealing with side traffic.

    It raised the ire of all the other drivers behind her but it felt like a solid win for me.

  3. November 15, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    hahaha…well played

  4. November 20, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    You know what I hate about the bike riding guy? I hate wen he wears a bright ass silly shirt like he’s sponsored. You’re not sponsored, but you are advertising.
    Or worse, I saw this dude who was all kitted up to be on Armstrong’s team. I thought he really might be, I was like–hey this is France…but then he tripped getting out of his clip and almost ate shit and I was left thinking, Fuck you dude, if you’re pro then it’s basically your fault that your sport isn’t better respected.
    Haven’t seen toy story 3….I’m thinkin, don’t?

  5. November 22, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    haha. Those are some good points Yermom. Toy Story 3 isn’t bad for a kids movie.

  6. Pingback: Around The Web – Edition 7
  7. claudia
    January 25, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I have to say i did get a little chuckle out of some of your statements except for the one about air-dryers. your comments about them are ignorant and in fact, you are the typical american that i would like nothing more than to punch in the face. air dryers are a practical alternative rather than wasting millions of pieces of paper and ruining the eco-system by cutting down thousands of trees. you say americans love getting things done quickly such as getting their food fast. well, the funny thing about that is, is that we are the most obese country so maybe getting disgusting food FAST isn’t as great as you think it is. MAYBE if Americans would learn patience, this country would be alot better off instead of demanding things to be lightning speed. If you cant stand in front of a air dryer for a moment, thats pathetic, so why dont you complain about things that actually matter in the world.

  8. January 25, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    WOW Claudia. You seriously need to chill out. You make derogatory statements about me, when you know absolutely nothing about me. You want to sit here and discuss the effects of global warming, that’s fine but DO NOT come here to attack me.

    This post that is clearly written in good fun (just like all my posts are). If I wanted to write about things that actually mattered in this world I wouldn’t be running a HUMOR blog. If you want to read about serious matter you’ve come to the wrong site.

  9. Joe
    January 26, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Holy shit, Claudia. Get the bug out of your ass!

    Air dryers are fine – but I hate when they’re the ONLY option. What if you have to wash your face, or dab wine or ketchup out of your shirt? You need a paper towel sometimes, just sayin’.

  10. Mr. Cleavage
    January 31, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    Claudia, Claudia, Claudia…have you ever done any sort of research on the amount of electricity needed/used by air dryers(and therefore generated by a very un-efficient, coal burning power plant), versus the actual post-consumer/recycled paper content of the average roll of brown, non-bleached paper towel? I didn’t think so. (Don’t use data provided by the hand dryer companies, either). Not to mention the fact that hand dryers actually INCREASE the amount of bacteria on one’s hands by over 100% compared to paper…Most facilities switch to air dryers merely to save money on the janitorial personnel needed to clean up the paper.
    All is not lost though; you’re probably a cute, tree-hugging lesbian. Please post pictures!!

  11. January 31, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    hahaha…awesome comment!

  12. May 11, 2011 at 9:15 am

    I myself like those new hand dryers. Even better than those old bastards.
    In case you don´t even like the new ones, you still can get some tissue and dry your hands with it.

  13. Jim
    December 30, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    Came across airplane recliner guy after I wrote about my experience in a coach middle seat. Totally agree. Very annoying!


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