My Wife Handicaps Super Bowl XLVI

handicap the super bowl

Actual wife not pictured

It’s Super Bowl week—which for many men is the most important gambling day of the year. The one question on gamblers’ minds everywhere is not who will win the game, but which team will cover the spread.

Last year, not knowing whom to pick, I consulted with my wife, who knows next to nothing about football, with the hopes she would be my good-luck charm.  Amazingly, not only did she accurately predict that the Packers would cover the spread but she nearly got the score of the game right.

So I decided to consult her once again in hopes that she could pick me another winner. Here’s how our conversation went…

Johnny Sacks: As a Jets fan, I’ve forced you sit through a number of Patriots games over the years, so you probably know slightly more about them than you do about other teams— which would ordinarily be nothing.  Give me your impressions about the Patriots.

Mrs. Sacks: They have a hot quarterback.  They also have nice colors. I like their red throwback jerseys.  I hope they wear them on Sunday.

Johnny Sacks: I actually kind of like those uniforms too.  Too bad I loath the Patriots with every fiber of my being…You’ve recently become a citizen of New York state.  Does this mean you will you be pulling for the Giants?

Mrs. Sacks:  No. I don’t care who wins.  I will be watching the Puppy Bowl with the kitty halftime show

Johnny Sacks: Of course you will… At the beginning of the season, Eli Manning proclaimed he was an elite quarterback and is at the level of a Tom Brady. That being said, which quarterback do you want with the game on the line…Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

Mrs. Sacks: Tom Brady, because he’s hotter.

Johnny Sacks:  Ok…how about the coaches? Who do you think is a better coach, Bill Belichick or Tom Coughlin?

Mrs. Sacks: Belichick… because he wears the cut-off sleeves. He’s always sporting the cut-off sleeve look.  It doesn’t matter what the temperature is. I wonder if he has more than one.

Johnny Sacks: So wearing cut-off sleeves and being attractive somehow correlates to being a better coach or a better quarterback?

Mrs. Sacks: Sure…

Johnny Sacks: Now… If Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is unable to play, how will this alter the Patriots game plan?

Mrs. Sacks: Who’s Rob Gronkowski?

Johnny Sacks: He’s their tight end.

Mrs. Sacks: What’s a tight end?

Johnny Sacks:  It’s kind of like a utility position.  Sometimes they stay back to block and other times they go out for passes.

Mrs. Sacks: I guess it would be bad. Can’t you have someone else fill in for him?

Johnny Sacks: Sure, but he’s the top tight end in football and set a record for touchdown receptions this season.

Mrs. Sacks: Well, I guess that would suck for the Patriots if he didn’t play.

Johnny Sacks: Yes it would. Moving on…The Giants defensive line is one of the strengths of their team.  Do you think they can get to Tom Brady in this game?

Mrs. Sacks: Get to him to do what?

Johnny Sacks: Can they sack him or force him to make to bad throws?

Mrs. Sacks: How would they do that?

Johnny Sacks: By putting pressure on him.

Mrs. Sacks: Sure… I guess.

Johnny Sacks: Ok, this is going nowhere.  Let’s jump to the prediction. Who will cover the spread?  The Patriots are favored by 2 ½ points.

Mrs. Sacks: How does that work again?

Johnny Sacks: The Patriots have to win by more than 2 points to cover the spread, while the Giants have to win the game or lose by 2 or fewer points.

Mrs. Sacks: Hmm…Ok… 27-24, Giants win

There you have it. Take the Giants to cover the spread and beat the Patriots once again.

1 comment for “My Wife Handicaps Super Bowl XLVI

  1. Kat
    July 14, 2012 at 2:01 am

    Let’s go back in time and change just one thing…

    Mrs. Sacks: Who’s Rob Gronkowski?

    Johnny Sacks: He’s their tight end. Let’s Google an image of him. (JS shows pics of Gronkowski to Mrs. Sacks)

    Mrs. Sacks: Holy Mary, Mother of God. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Excuse me, honey, can you hand me a tissue? I just creamed my pants.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


4 + = five