A hot topic around this time of year is New Year’s resolutions. Everyone wants a fresh start and plans on improving their lives in some way, shape or form with the coming of new year. It’s usually a lofty goal that is abandoned once the calendar turns to February.
Typically, people will vow to lose weight, advance their career or perhaps fall in love. These are often tough goals to meet because they require hard work, perseverance and even a little bit of luck. Most people lack the resolve to achieve these goals.
I say why set ourselves up for failure? We need to lower our standards. Why not set some new year’s resolutions you can actually meet? With that in mind, I’ve come up with a list of ten new year’s resolutions that I am confident I can keep.
1. I will put off going to the gym and limit my exercise to being intimate with my wife and playing Nintendo Wii.
2. I will blow off church every Sunday during football season so I can properly set my fantasy football lineup.
3. I will go to Taco Bell at 2:00 a.m. after a night out drinking, even though I know I will regret this lethal combination about 12 hours later.
4. I will curse myself the next day for drinking so much and ordering three Cheesy Gordita Crunches, while I sit on the toilet.
5. I will masturbate…A LOT
6. In relation to #5 on this list, I will go to great lengths to hide my internet history from my wife.
7. I will stay up late playing video games and then regret it the next morning when I have to be up early for work.
8. I will break a controller after losing a game of Madden to some eight-year old kid in Oklahoma.
9. I will stay at the same dead end job with no possibility of advancement because I am afraid of change and comfortable with my everyday routine.
10. As a passive-aggressive response to not being promoted, I will neglect the responsibilities of my job and continue to spend my time there working on posts for a relatively unknown blog.
As you can see, these should be pretty easy goals to meet. While you once again fail to meet your new year’s resolutions, I will complete all ten of mine with flying colors. Happy New Year everyone!
Feel free to share your realistic New Year’s resolutions in the comment section.
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