Moving in with Your Girl? What to Expect

Are you about to move in with your long-time girlfriend or fiancé? Are you thinking about it? Be prepared for things to change…significantly. Before you move in be sure to read this article. If you can live with these changes than, by all means, move in with your girl. However, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is will be a three-part series giving advice on living with your woman. The first part, called Rules of Engagement was already posted. However, it was the first ever post on this blog and many of you may have missed it. The third and final part is called TV Shows you and your Girlfriend can Watch Together.

Now before I continue, let me just say that I love my girl very much and I could not imagine my life without her. There are many great things about living together and getting married but you guys don’t really want to hear about all that. So I’m just going to tell you about the negative stuff.

SPORTS
Are you a big sports fan? Well be prepared to see your viewing time decrease significantly. Think you are going to watch nine hours of football on Sunday? Think again. If you want to sleep on the couch that night then go right ahead.

My best advice is to prioritize. If your favorite team plays at 4:00 then skip the 1:00 game and take her out to lunch or go shopping with her. If you watch the 1:00 game first, by the time 4:00 comes around she’ll be nagging you during the game you really want to watch.

Are you a baseball fan? Well that’s a little tougher. Take advantage of off days and West coast trips. Take her out on those days and make her feel special. She’ll be more likely to let you watch the game in peace.

VIDEO GAMES
Back when I was a bachelor, I’d polish off a good video game in a week. Metal Gear Solid : done in five days. Gears of War 2: three days. Now, I’ll be lucky if I take the wrapping off the game in three days. Ever buy a game that’s so good you just can’t wait to get home to play it? Well that’s not happening. When you get home, you need to sit and talk about your day. You need to cuddle her and sit through a re-run of Friends first. Your only hope is that she falls asleep early and you can sneak in some game time before bed.

SLEEP
Expect to see the amount of time you sleep decrease as well. I’m woken up pretty much every time my girl rolls over or gets up to use the bathroom. Oh and if she has to wake up at 6:30, guess what? You’re waking up at 6:30 because her alarm will wake you up. She also has a habit of elbowing me while she sleeps. I’m pretty sure subconsciously she wants to beat me up.

My advice: spring for a really good bed. It’s worth it. Get the one where the girl is dancing on the bed and the bottle of wine isn’t moving. I know that’s going to be my next big purchase. Also, if you can convince her to sleep in separate beds, do it. I know it’s a tough sell but it’s worth a shot.

RELAXATION TIME
Had a hard day at the office? Want to come home, kick up your feet on the recliner and crack open a cold one? Fuck that. You got shit to do. You need to do the dishes or run to the store for the eighth time this week. Want to relax? You can relax when you’re dead. Women have a constant urge to do something at all times. They are also very good at nagging. It’s a deadly combination.

ESP
What’s that? You’re not clairvoyant? Well you should be if you want to have a healthy relationship. If she tells you she doesn’t need help cleaning the house that means get your lazy ass off the couch and help me clean. If you ask her what’s wrong and she responds, “Nothing, I’m fine.” That means you’re a fucking asshole.

Now if you can’t read your girlfriends thoughts, then the best suggestion I have is to just always assume you are in trouble and do something to make her happy. Happy wife, happy life.

GUILT TRIPS
Every time you screw up (which will be often) be prepared for the guilt trip that will follow. Now I grew up with an Italian mother and I’m engaged to Jewish woman—that’s the perfect storm of guilt trips— so I’ve managed to build up some guilt trip tolerance. Therefore, it won’t affect me as much. However, you might not be lucky.

I don’t really have any advice for this one. Just be ready for it.

DECISION TIME
Still want to move in with her? Still want to propose? Good. Then you really love her. I know I do. Best of luck to you with whatever decision you make.

8 comments for “Moving in with Your Girl? What to Expect

  1. Douglas Haber
    August 30, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    I’m now a new reader of this site because of this post. The guilt trips section was great.

    Keep it coming.

  2. name
    September 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    You sound like a REEEEAAALLL winner! Those are things called life skills that should not take moving in with your girlfriend to figure out. Seriously, get off your lazy ass and be a productive member of society. Video games are for pre-schoolers.

  3. Future_MrsS
    September 30, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    You sound like a REEEEALLLLL LOSER! Maybe you need to fuck a real man to loosen yourself up a little!

  4. Uncle Billy
    October 1, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I agree with Future MrsS. Name you are obviously an angry Lesbian bitch and need to take the dildo out of your ass. Time to take off the Hillary Clinton pant suit and act like a real woman. Nobody said you had to agree with what this guy puts on his blog but its his and if you want to disagree you can do so without being a nasty bitch and we can all have a discussion. If you want to write about other stuff than maybe start your own blog that all your feminist lesbo friends can read. Seriously your the one who needs to get a life or at least laid then maybe youll lighten up a bit.

    Anyway John you are doing a great job with this blog and you definitly have a reader for life right here. Dont get discouraged by some carpet munching bitch. Keep the good stuff coming my man!

  5. Krauss
    October 13, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Again, only have one to disagree with: Sports. The advent of DVR has surely saved hundreds of marriages, and I think the majority of women understand the difference between watching a live sporting event on DVR and watching a serial TV show on DVR, the difference being that there’s no comparison as to which one to watch when the two are in conflict, for obvious reasons. Any woman who argues with this probably just wants to start shit over something else.

  6. Jabberwock
    December 3, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Thank God I hate sports and only feel the urge to bust out the NES during extreme bouts of boredom and/or nostalgia.

    @Krauss DVRs can be rather devilish contraptions. The wonderous option of Series Recording ensures that not a single episode of the Hills or Bridezillas is ever missed *shiver*

    But yeah–great post. Keep up the good work.

  7. Tom
    January 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Other things I learned, some less glamorous stuff:

    1. Girls poop. For the first 2 months of living together, they’ll do everything they can to hide it, but at some point, you’ll be sitting watching one of the aforementioned TV shows with her, you’ll hear her stomach grumble, she’ll excuse herself, and rather than hear that familiar shower run, you’ll hear some faint farting, grunting, a flush, water running, and she’ll come back, snuggle next to you, and you’ll realize that she just took a shit, and that’s what she’s been doing all along when you thought she was just taking a random shower. At least that’s how it happened for me! Also – she’ll still get annoyed when you fart in front of her, unless she rips one in front of you, then you have FULL LICENSE to rip as you please and shall always remind her of that.

    2. Her diet becomes YOUR diet unless you’re willing to either cook your own meal by yourself, or order out, and deal with her lecturing you about bad food choices.

    3. Chicks have horrible morning breath too. You’ll find, however, that you really don’t mind kissing her this way, and find it kind of endearing, but SHE will be too self-conscious to let you do it.

    4. Be prepared to waste hours of a typical week making redundant trips to the store, up and down stairs, and lugging heavy shit all over the place, even if you have an aching back, broken leg, or are suffering from a semi-crippling spinal injury, cuz as Ron White said “she ain’ gonna do it!”

  8. January 13, 2011 at 11:38 am

    @Tom…These are all good points as well. Especially the one about food. Right before my wedding, my wife went on weight watchers and I was forced to eat all these healthy meals that my wife prepared because they fell within her allotted “points” for the day.

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