Back in August, I wrote a post called Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. That post has turned out to be, by far, the most popular piece of literature on this web site. Therefore, I thought I’d give the people more of what they want. Here are more random people I want to punch in the face.
THE I GET AWAY WITH USING THE “N” WORD IN FRONT OF BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE I’M HISPANIC GUY
I work in an urban area of NYC with a population comprised of mostly African-Americans and Hispanics. Everyday of my life I hear a Spanish guy use the “N” word. IN FRONT OF BLACK PEOPLE—and no one even bats an eye. SERIOUSLY? Why do they get a free pass on the word? If I even whispered the “N” word, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and 30 members of the NAACP would be protesting outside my doorstep. Why are black people ok with this? Can someone explain this to me?
THE DEVELOPERS OF MICROSOFT OFFICE 2007
Hey I got an idea! Let’s take software that everyone in the world uses and make it completely fucking different. Let’s change the way it looks so no one can figure out how the fuck to find anything! THEN let’s make it incompatible with the old version so everyone who still has Microsoft Office 2003 can’t OPEN ANY ATTACHMENTS! If I had a dime for every time I had to reply to an email with a DOCX attachment asking the person to convert and resend it, I could have bought out Bill Gates by now. Where did they get these retards? The Katherine Gibbs School? I’d like to lay these worthless bastards out.
(Note: Recently they finally added a plugin to make it compatible—I still fucking hate it though)
THE SMOKES IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING GUY
I HATE smokers. The only thing I hate more than smokers are smokers who stand right in front of the entrance to a building. Why do I have to be bombarded with 30 different carcinogens as I walk through the door to my office every morning? Some people argue that smokers should have rights. I have rights too—the right to FUCKING BREATHE. Next time you see someone smoking right in front of the building be sure to knock him the fuck out.
THE USES THE CELL PHONE ON THE TOILET GUY
Have you ever had this happen? You go to a public restroom and some guy in the stall next to you is having a conversation while he takes a shit. Is nothing private anymore? Can I not even drop a deuce in peace anymore? I have to hear your personal conversation as I wipe my ass? Remind me not to borrow your cell phone anytime soon either. This guy is cousins with TALKS TO LOUDLY ON HIS CELL PHONE ON THE TRAIN GUY. Both are douchebags and deserve to get punched in the face.
THE “CAN I WORK IN WITH YOU?” GUY
I don’t make it to the gym very often. On the rare occasion I actually go, there is always some guy at the gym who wants to work in with me. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Wait five minutes and I’ll be done with the machine. I want to work out on my schedule. I don’t need you changing my weight settings, sweating up the machine and rushing me in between sets. I don’t really want to have a conversation with you either—unless you have tits. Then feel free to work in with me.
THE RUSH LIMBAUGH IS THE WORST PERSON ALIVE BECAUSE HE MADE A RACIST COMMENT ABOUT DONOVAN MCNABB LIKE 10 YEARS AGO GUY
Look. I’m not a huge Rush Limbaugh fan or anything but the backlash on this guy is absurd. Ok he said something that was a little racist about Donovan McNabb like 10 years ago. I’m not condoning that.
A few weeks ago he was offered to buy a small portion of the Rams and EVERYONE bugged the fuck out. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell had this to say about the situation
“I’ve said many times before, we’re all held to a high standard here,” Goodell told reporters, via the New York Times.
Mr. Goodell, is this the same league where half the players have been convicted of crimes? A league littered with so many despicable individuals that I could comprise an all-star team of players who have been arrested? Everyone just needs to relax.
And now…real people I want to punch in the face…
Speaking of idiot commissioners….This guy tops them all. When the GMs met on November 10th, the topic of expanding instant replay didn’t even come up. Are you kidding me? Did you not see this play? Or this one? Or this one? It’s only a matter of time before a World Series title is decided on a bad call. Maybe by then he’ll decide to look into it.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, he is the douche who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter then left her alone with the baby. That alone makes you worthy of a punch in the face. Now the bastard leveraged his Father of the Year award to get a spread in Playgirl magazine and to star in pistachio commercials. It amazes me the people in this country that become famous. I think I’m gonna go fuck Chelsea Clinton and then write a tell-all book. It will certainly be easier than trying to make money off this blog.
THE WRITERS OF FIRE JOE MORGAN
Just kidding. I love these guys. Fire Joe Morgan is a defunct web site dedicated to mocking the worst of sports journalism. For three years, they broke up the monotony of my day with hilarious posts ripping into the guys the likes of Steve Phillips, John Kruk and, of course, Joe Morgan. Then on November 13, 2008 they just up and left and decided to shut down the blog.
Two months ago they were featured on Deadspin for one day only and I was reminded of how awesome they were. It was like old times again. Everything was right with the world. However, the next day, they were gone.
This is the relationship equivalent of a the love of your life leaving you out of nowhere, then coming back a year later to give you the best sex you ever had, only to leave once again forever.
So for that, they deserve a punch in the face.
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