Is it Gay?: Ordering Fruity Drinks

Fruity DrinkThe word gay has evolved over the years. Back in the day it was a word for happy and jovial. Then it became a word to describe a man who is sexually attracted to other men. But recently, it’s also taken on new meaning. The term gay now refers to something that is lame, stupid or effeminate.

For example, a guy may say something like “Dude, I just overheard Steve singing Rachel Black in the shower! Can you believe how gay he is?… or “Rich just bought a pair of skinny jeans. He’s so gay!

In the original Living with Balls series, I will take a close look at something that may be perceived as “gay” (in the most recent definition) among fellow men and determine if it truly is gay or if it’s a perfectly manly thing to do.

As a man, the following situation comes up often in our lives:

You are out at a bar or restaurant and you want to get yourself an alcoholic beverage but you’re not quite sure what you want. You’re tired of the same options and want to try something a little different. You take a look at the menu and you see drinks such as frozen strawberry margaritas, berry sangria, and sex on the beach.

For a brief moment, you think about ordering one of these beverages but then you picture your friends mocking you for holding a pink drink and you think better of it and order a beer instead. Did you make the right move?

It’s a question that many men struggle with: Is it gay to order a fruity drink?

Since the beginning of alcohol, there have been drinks designated as effeminate, while others are labeled as manly drinks. History has proven this to be true…

Jesus First Miracle

“We’re out of booze…Seems like a good time for my first miracle”

 

Jesus’ very first miracle was turning water into wine. I’m not sure what kind of wine it was but I’m willing to bet it wasn’t a white zinfandel. It was probably a red wine that went well with the fatted calf they probably killed for the wedding. Could you imagine the guy’s reactions at that party if white zinfandel had been served? “Hey Jesus, it’s impressive and all that you turned water into wine but white zin? C’mon, I can’t be seen drinking this! Let’s do some shots instead! Conjure me up some Patron!”

Nearly 1,800 years later, in 1791 the United States issued the “Whiskey Tax,” which taxed all domestically distilled spirits, leading to the Whiskey Rebellion—an uprising by residents over the tax. If the U.S. had put a tax on just Seven and Seven (which has whiskey in it but no man ever touches) then men wouldn’t have gave a shit and American lives would have been saved.

Popular culture has helped further the stigma that men can’t order fruity drinks.

Can you imagine cowboys in Western movies drinking a refreshing cocktail instead of whiskey? If Clint Eastwood chugged a cosmopolitan right after he killed everyone in the saloon at the end of Unforgiven, I don’t think it would have won best picture.

What if James Bond’s drink of choice was an appletini instead of vodka martini? Can you picture Sean Connery asking for an appletini in his raspy voice? The “shaken not stirred” line probably would not have become such an iconic catch phrase.

Clint Eastwood Unforgiven

“Killing is a helluva thing…I could really use a cosmo right now”

 

Now…fast forward to the year 2000, when Johnny Sacks first discovers binge drinking at around 18 years old (editors note: LWB does not encourage teenage alcohol abuse). I was a little wet behind the ears then so I started off drinking some really gay, awful stuff like Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice. This was around the time Smirnoff Ice just came out and the phenomenon of “Icing Bros” was a decade away. Thus, I was naïve an unaware that I was consuming such a gay drink. I had yet to really develop a taste for beer, so for a short time, I actually liked this fruity crap. Then I became a man and drank like one.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade should realize this and stop trying to market their product to men, which is very evident in commercials like this. The only people who drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade are teenagers and women. I actually don’t even know many grown women who drink it. Pretty much only teenagers drink it. There’s a reason the word fruity has become a synonym for gay. These fruity alcoholic beverages just ooze with gayness.

The ironic part is there isn’t a non-alcoholic drink that is considered girly. I drink a lemonade on a hot summer day and no one will say anything but if I drink a hard lemonade, everyone will think I’m a queer. I order an iced tea and it’s no problem. I order a long island iced tea and I will be laughed at. When alcohol is added to the equation it changes people’s perceptions.

So I think it’s clear at this point that drinking fruity beverages is definitely gay. But what if you’re not sure what drinks are considered gay? There are two steps to determining this…

1. Avoid Bright Colors
Anything pink, red, or turquoise will probably not be a good choice. So drinks like cosmos, malibu bay breeze and blue hawaiian would not be recommended.

2. The more difficult the drink is to swallow, the manlier the drink is.
If the taste reminds you of drinking mouthwash or battery acid than it is an extremely manly drink. The easier it goes down, the gayer the drink is.

Most men, if you put a gun to their head, would admit that a number of these drinks are quite tasty but we don’t order them for fear of appearing gay. How I Met Your Mother fans may remember Marshall confessing this in the season 2 episode titled “Single Stamina.”

Homosexuals, though they have to deal with constant ridicule from judgmental peers, legal obstacles in marriage and people like me using the word “gay” in a derogatory manner, they do certainly have an advantage in this situation. Gays can drink these fruity beverages with a clear conscience. For us straight guys, we’ll have to stick to an approved beverage list.

However, there is ONE exception to this rule. If you are on vacation, particularly at a beach location such as a Caribbean Island or Hawaii, then ordering fruity drinks is perfectly acceptable. Feel free to order the gayest drink imaginable. Pina colada’s, frozen margaritas—any drink like that is allowed as long as you are on vacation.

I was in Jamaica last year and I had something called a dirty banana. This thing was delicious. It was like drinking a banana split, except it had large amounts of rum in it. As good as it was though, you’d never see me drinking it back home.

So straight men, even if you want to try some of these gay drinks, I’m afraid you’ll have to pass on them. If you really want to drink them, my suggestion is to make them in the privacy of your own home and keep it a secret, just like you keep your Asian porn fetish a secret…. or you can move to the Carribbean. If that’s not an option, then stick to beer.

3 comments for “Is it Gay?: Ordering Fruity Drinks

  1. will
    July 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Or you could just not give a f*** and drink whatever you want. Caring if people think your gay isn’t manly, either.

  2. Kat
    July 14, 2012 at 3:31 am

    For fuck’s sake, spell out fuck! You’re an adult. Spell it out without gay asterisks. And then drink whatever the hell you want. Unless, of course, you don’t want to look gay. In that case, drink a beer, preferable something hoppy. Send it back if they serve it with a garnish.

  3. June 2, 2014 at 2:28 am

    Nah, I agree with will, who the hell cares what other think. Shut the fuck up, drink, and relax.

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