Introducing Joey the Pessimistic Mets Fan

June 8th, 2010, 9:00 pm—Joey’s Apartment: Bellerose, New York

(phone rings)

Joey: (watching Mets Game) C’mon Francouer! Ya piece-a-shit!

(phone rings)

Joey: Hello?

Owen: Joey! What’s up ya guinea bastard!?

Joey: Just watchin’ deez fuckin’ shitty Mets, ya dumb Irish prick.

Owen: Shitty? Things are looking good! We are just 2.5 games out of first. We look unstoppable at Citi Field right now!

Joey: yeah yeah, They can’t fuckin win on da road though!  They’ll never go anywhere if they don’t’ win on da road!…And dis piece-a-shit Reyes! When is dis bum gonna start fuckin’ hitting? He’s battin’ Two-Fowty!

Owen: yeaaaah, he’ll get it together though.  Give him some time.

Joey: Nah, he’s a fuckin canca in the clubhouse! That’s the problem with dis’ fuckin’ team.  We need some team chemistry! We got all these fuckin’ Mexicans on the team, doing dances every time they hit the ball or pointin’ to da sky every time they strike someone out! Dees bastahds should be cuttin’ my fuckin’ lahwn!

Owen: Jose Reyes is from the Dominican Republic

Joey: Same fuckin’ shit! Omah Minaya is fuckin’ racist! We need more white guys on da team!

(David Wright strikes out)

Joey: C’mon Wright ya no good bum!  We need to get rid of this fuckin’ guy man! I swear I would probably strike out less than him if I were playin’.

Owen: You want to get rid of our franchise player?  Also I doubt you could hit better than Wright.

Joey: You bet I could! I hit .308 my junia year in high school.

Owen: Yeah then you discovered beer and buffalo chicken pizza and put on 50 pounds.

Joey: Eh fuck you, ya dumb mick-bastard. I can still hit!

(phone clicks)

Joey: Hold on a sec’ Owen. I got another call.

Joey: Hello?


Joey: Hey Ma.

Joey’s Mom: What are you up to honey?

Joey: Jus watchin’ da Mets game Ma.

Joey’s Mom: Again with the Mets game! That’s all you do is sit on the couch watchin’ the Mets! Why don’t you go out and try a meet a nice girl?

Joey: Don’t start Ma.

Joey’s Mom: I swear, ya gonna give me Agita! All I want is a grandchild before I die! Is that so much to ask?!

Joey: I’m still young Ma.

Joey’s Mom: You’re 35!

Joey: Don’t give me shit Ma. I’m not in the mood. The Mets are losin’1-0 to the fuckin’ Padres.  Mike Pelfrey is pitching a gem and they can’t score a God damn run.

Joey’s Mom: Don’t curse in front of ya Motha Joseph!

Joey: Sorry Ma.

Joey’s Mom: Now ya still comin’ ova for dinner Sunday? I’m makin’ meatballs.

Joey: Yes. I’ll be there Ma.  I gotta go. Owen’s on the otha line

Joey’s Mom: Ok honey. I love you. Tell Owen I said hello.

Joey: Love ya too Ma.

(phone switches over)

Joey: Sorry brah, my Motha won’t shut the fuck up.

Owen: No prob.  So who would you trade for David Wright?

Joey: I’ll tell ya what I’d do if I was GM. I’d trade Wright to the Padres for David Eckstein and a couple blue chip prospects.  We needa guy like Eckstein on da club.  You watchin’ dis guy play tonight? He’s a real gama and he’ll be good for team chemistry. Plus we are gettin’ olda. We need to get some young guys in hea!… Ya know what? I’m gonna call the FAN tomorrow and propose that trade idea.

Owen: Please do. I look forward to hearing Mike Francesca belittle you for ten minutes and then hang up on you.  You might be the dumbest fucking baseball fan I’ve ever met.

Joey: Eh go fuck ya self Owen. I’ve had enough of you and dis shitty baseball team. I’m gonna put on the YES network and see how the Yankees are doin.’ Hopefully they are losing. That’ll make me feel better.

Owen: I just checked. They’re beating the Orioles 12-3.

Joey: FUCK! A bunch a overpaid’ fuckin’ pinstripe wearin’ pansies! I hate those bastads! I hate the Mets! I fuckin’ hate baseball.  I’m outta here!

(Hangs up phone)

One Hour Later

(phone rings)

Joey: (in groggy voice) He-Hello?

Owen: Dude you sleeping?

Joey: Yeah. I fell asleep in front of a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Owen: Oh man. You missed it!

Joey: Wha happened?

Owen: Your boy Jose Reyes hit a game-tying home run in the seventh and then Ike Davis hit a walk-off homer in the 11th. The Mets won 2-1!

Joey: Are you serious? YEAH BABY! The Mets are unstoppable right now! YA GOTTA BELIEVE BABY! WE’RE GOIN’ ALL DA WAY! LET’S-GO-METS! LET’S-GO-METS!!

Owen: You’re an idiot.

3 comments for “Introducing Joey the Pessimistic Mets Fan

  1. Gary
    June 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    I’m pretty sure I sat next to this guy the other day at CitiField.

  2. June 10, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    I’m pretty sure I sat next to this guy every time I went to Citi Field

  3. rob
    June 29, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Im pretty sure that only mexicans that say ‘jankkee stadium’ sit next to me at met games

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