How to Slay the Period Monster

For a little more than three weeks each month, I’m engaged to a wonderful woman who makes me very happy.  But for one week each month she turns into a terrible monster—like a werewolf when a full moon is out—and she no longer resembles the person I’m going to marry.  The week she gets her period, my girl becomes a shell of her former self and turns into a frightening creature that crushes everything in her path.

This is often an unpleasant experience for the both of us.  Everything I do annoys her, which results in her yelling at me, which in turn gets me pissed at her for getting mad at me for no reason.

But FEAR NOT! Through trial and error, I’ve learned ways to take down this monster—like a stake in the heart of a vampire.  Practice these methods listed below and you can escape the Period Monster’s evil clutches.

Be Proactive

The first step into taking down the period monster is to be proactive.  If you’re in a long-term relationship, you probably have a good idea about her cycles.  In the days leading up to her period, you need to really kiss ass.  Randomly show up with flowers, offer to cook, go down on her; whatever it takes.

These are just a few ways to put her in a happy mood in the days before her transformation.  Do whatever you can to avoid her getting angry with you right before the period strikes.  Once the period does come, she’ll be less likely to blow up on you.

Fight Back


If you failed to be proactive or if that strategy didn’t work, your next option is to fight back.  If she screams at you for some bullshit reason, like not putting your dish in the dishwasher or leaving trimmed pubic hair on the bathroom floor, yell at her right back. Tell you are A MAN.  You are a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn! That’s what kind of man you are! No woman is going to talk to you like that!  You’ll shave your pubes wherever you want!

You don’t necessarily have to quote Anchorman but let her know how unreasonable she is being and that she is getting bent out of shape for no reason.  Sometimes they need to have someone tell them they are being a bitch before they realize it.

However—BE WARNED—just like in a cheesy horror flick, the Period Monster can survive all sorts of absurd attacks that would take down any normal person.  You need to use cunning and craft your words carefully to successfully take her down.

One thing I like to do is to end every argument with the phrase: “you look really pretty.”  This works on my fiancé about 90 percent of the time.  This will make her less mad at you because—What girl doesn’t like to be called pretty?

Also it’ll make her feel a little guilty about yelling at you—and if you can’t settle the argument, than you might as well make her feel guilty.

Ignore Her


If you reached this point, you have one final play.  You can still salvage your day if you choose to ignore her.  Pretend she is a Tyrannosaurus Rex.  Maybe if you don’t make any sudden movements she won’t realize you are there and she’ll leave you alone to watch SportsCenter.

Women HATE being ignored.  There are few things that annoy them more.  If you successfully ignored her, she will either storm off into the other room or come back and apologize.  Either way, you win!

If All Else Fails, RUN!!!!


This is your last resort.  You’ve tried being proactive. You’ve tried fighting back and you’ve tried ignoring her but nothing has worked.  Your only chance of survival is to run.  Get the hell out of the house! Go to the bar, go to a friend’s house, go to your parents; anywhere but your own home.

Wait a few hours and come back.  Hopefully by then she will have transformed back to her original self.

Now lets review the steps to taking down the Period Monster:

1. Be proactive
2. Fight back
3. Ignore her
4. RUN!!

If you follow these steps in this order, you should be able to take down the period monster…At least until the sequel comes out the following month.

5 comments for “How to Slay the Period Monster

  1. Future Mrs. S
    May 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    so basically, you just tell me I look pretty even if I don’t look pretty, just to shut me up. wow. secrets revealed. You’re done. :)

  2. May 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    You always look pretty!

  3. May 21, 2010 at 2:03 am

    My newly wed wife is a nurse, and works nights for a couple of days every month.

    Seriously when the horrible red tide (sorry that’s gross!) and night-shifts cross over it’s like in Ghostbusters when they cross streams…it’s unholy and you just don’t want to be around!

    PS: John, sucked in! You’re now like superman knowing that Lois Lane has some kryptonite ready to bring you down with!

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  5. Mr. Cleavage
    May 30, 2010 at 1:45 am

    Her brain is 1/3 the size of yours, John…It’s science. Now, take her to pleasure town; in that place where you have leather-bound books and it smells of rich mahogany. 60% of the time, it works ALL the time…

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