There are few things that can cause more rage than driving. Whether it’s sitting in traffic, getting stuck behind a slow driver or getting cut off, driving is sure to cause aggravation nearly every day of our lives. With that in mind, I thought I would highlight some of the biggest assholes on the road with Guys I Want to Punch in the Face: Driving Edition.
Note: Some of these were pulled from older posts. I figured I’d take all the driving ones and group them into one post, in addition to adding a few new ones.
The Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy
There are few things that drive me nuts more than the Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy. I’m not talking about the guy who just rides his bike along the side of the road. I’m talking about the guy who thinks he’s Lance Fucking Armstrong, with his tights and his aerodynamic helmet, and rides his bike in the middle of the road. I’m talking about the guy who sits in the left-hand turn lane at a stoplight and signals with his arm like he’s driving a motorcycle. I’m talking about the group of 30 people who think they are in the Tour De France and block the entire right lane, going 15 mph during the rush hour commute.
This is infuriating to me. When I see Rides His Bike Like He Has a Car Guy, it takes all my willpower to calmly put my signal on and move to the other lane, rather than sideswiping his spandex-wearing ass off his fucking Schwinn.
The Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy
As someone who does a lot of driving in the boroughs of New York City, I encounter Holds Down on the Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy on almost a daily basis—and I hate him more every fucking day.
I’m sorry my reaction time is not fast enough for you. Please accept my apologies for you arriving at your destination a quarter-second later than expected. When I drive and I’m behind someone who doesn’t see the light change, I typically give them a reasonable amount of time before I honk at them—and when I do honk, it’s a friendly one…like two quick taps, just to get his attention. Honks his Horn Guy will hold down on his horn like you just tried to run him off the road.
In New York, Holds Down on his Horn the Second the Light Turns Green Guy takes many forms, but typically it’s an immigrant driving one of those ghetto, unmarked taxis. One day, I’d like to just put my car in park, get out and smash Holds His Horn Guy’s face against the very steering wheel he used to honk at me.
PIMP OUT MY SHITTY CAR GUY
(Random Guys Who I want to Punch in the Face)
This is the guy who drives a Toyota Corolla or a Honda Civic or some other cheap car and tries to pimp it out. He’s got the rims, the hideous spoiler, the blacked out lights; all that crap. Do you realize with the amount of money you wasted upgrading this shitty economy car, you probably could have just bought a BMW in the first place? Look at this piece of shit. It’s a ford escort. Who does that?
The Doesn’t Clean His Car Off After a Snowstorm Guy
The Doesn’t Clean his Car Off Guy After a Snowstorm Guy does not have the time to properly clean off his car after a snowstorm. He can’t be bothered with brushing off all the windows and headlights. He just runs his windshield wipers a couple times and backs out with snow still on his roof, side and back windows and tail lights. Doesn’t Clean his Car Guy is more important than you and doesn’t realize he’s causing a driving hazard behind him, because all the snow is blowing off his car and distracting the driver behind him.
So you’re too busy to be bothered, Doesn’t Clean His Car off Guy? How I about I knock you out cold, then you’ll really be late to whatever important place you have to go!
The Parks his Car in the Right Lane Because There is Too Much Snow Guy
Often during the Winter, if there is a lot of snow, road workers won’t be able to get all the snow out of the road. A lot of parking spots, particularly on main streets, are covered with snow and are inaccessible. That doesn’t faze Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy. Him and 50 other assholes will just leave their car in the right-hand lane instead while they run their errands. This forces every car on the road to try and switch over to the middle or left lane. This causes a ridiculous amount of traffic and may even cause an accident. Apparently Parks His Car in the Right Lane Guy think he’s just as important as Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy. Maybe Doesn’t Clean his Car off Guy will have low visibility because he didn’t clean his windshield properly and accidentally crash head-on into your car, which is illegally parked in the right lane. That would kill two birds with one stone and help brighten up a dreary winter.
The Guy Who Starts To Walk Across The Middle of the Street as You are Passing Him and You Feel Like You are Gonna Run Over his Foot Because You Can’t Gauge the Distance on the Side of you Properly
Ok. This may be hard to explain. But you know that situation when you are driving and you see a guy standing on the curb waiting to cross? He notices it’s clear to cross after you pass so he starts to move forward as you are passing him. In the corner of your eye you see him move forward and for a split second you think he might walk right into your car. Yeah, I hate that.
The Puts his Arm Out the Window Before He Cuts You off Guy
Cuts You off in Traffic Guy is too obvious of an offender to be on here, so instead I will mention the slightly more tolerable cousin of Cuts You off in Traffic Guy.
Puts His Arm Out the Window Before He Cuts You off Guy thinks that if he holds his arm out first, then you will be totally cool with him cutting you off. Sure, a little warning is better than no warning at all but I still didn’t give you the ok. You’re still a dick for cutting me off, just not as much of dick.
I’d like to take your arm that your sticking out that window and punch you in the face with it and then ask…why are you hitting yourself!??
The Swerves In and Out of Lanes Only to Get Stuck at the Same Traffic Light as you Two Minutes Later Guy
Swerves In and Out of Lanes Guy is always in a big hurry. His strategy for getting somewhere fast is to ride the ass of the person in front of him until either that person gets out of the way or there is an opportunity to change lanes. He’ll constantly weave throughout traffic and cut people off (The nerve—he doesn’t even stick his hand out the window first!). Swerves In and Out of Lanes Guy nearly causes accidents everywhere but it’s all worth it to him because he’ll get to his destination a few minutes faster—or so it seems, until his plan backfires when he gets caught at a red light. A minute later you catch up to him, all while doing the speed limit and observing traffic laws. I would normally want to punch you in the face, Swerves In and Out of Lanes Guy, but pulling up next to you at a stoplight a few minutes later is enough satisfaction for me!
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