Five Worst Gifts to Give a Woman

What not to buy your girlWhat do birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries have in common? Panic about finding the right gift for your girl takes all the fun out of the occasion and fills it with romantic minefields. By offering advice on what not to buy, Sparkology is here to save the day, your sanity, and possibly your relationship.

Guys, take note and give yourself an easier, happier holiday. Ladies, read on, laugh, and share your worst gifts in the comments

  1. A kitten. Or a puppy. Or a bunny. Or anything else little, furry and living. You may have been conditioned from birth to know that girls love baby animals, but that is not to say that one of them is a good gift. As lovable as they can be, pets are a drain on your time and finances, one that isn’t for everyone.
  2. Computer parts. Yes, conventional gift advice says, “Get her something she wouldn’t buy for herself.” No, buying a girl computer parts she never knew she needed is not carrying this advice to its logical conclusion! You’re her lover, not her IT guy. Act like it when you’re buying her a gift.
  3. A facial or slimming herbal wrap. To you, this gift says, “I know what girls like – trips to the spa!” To her, this gift says, “He thinks I’m fat and ugly – why else would he give me this?” If you want to go the spa route, look for treatments that emphasize the indulgent over the medical.
  4. Tickets to a monster truck show, a professional wrestling match, or another sporting event. The most selfish gift on the list. Unless she has explicitly expressed interest in the event in question, you’re giving her what you really want and not even thinking about what she might like.
  5. A vacuum cleaner, an apron, or anything else related to cleaning. She doesn’t like cleaning the house, and you don’t like listening to lectures on gender roles and your expectations of her. Avoid the aggravation by avoiding gifts like these.

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2 comments for “Five Worst Gifts to Give a Woman

  1. Kat
    July 14, 2012 at 1:20 am

    Let’s break those down, woman-style:

    1. Don’t need anything else that eats or shits, especially if it needs me to fix it something to eat or clean up its shit.

    2. There are other electronics to choose from. Battery-operated devices are often acceptable.

    3. Who says you have to specify? Don’t be dumb. Just make sure the dollar amount reflects your message:

    •$25 You’re a great friend and I don’t wish to pursue a physical relationship.

    •$50 I’m interested in getting in there, but not fully committed and hopeful that you’re desperate.

    •$100 I want you.

    •$200 Now.

    4. Watching hot MMA guys throw down or sucking down a cold one while crushing on Josh Hamilton at a Rangers game? Yes, please!

    5. Seriously? Do you EVER want to get laid again?

    Gentlemen, look at gift giving as an opportunity. An opportunity to get laid. If you want to get what you want, you gotta give her what she wants, so LISTEN when she talks about the shit she likes. It’s a win-win. Really, it’s a win-win/win, because we want to get laid, too.

  2. Shawn
    August 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Give her a number 5 gift, preferably in front of family or friends. Let her stew a bit, you might even goad her into anger. Then later, in front of everyone again, give her the REAL gift (A really good one). The more upset she gets at the first gift the better the sex will be that evening.

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