Time for Me to Do My Best “Fire Joe Morgan” Impression

A few years ago there was this great sports blog called Fire Joe Morgan–you may have heard of it.  This was a site founded by three baseball fans that would find awful examples of sports writing and then proceed to make fun of it.   

The site was brilliantly written and was one of my favorite sites to go on.  It was later revealed that the founders of this blog were actually writers for NBC’s “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation.” Unfortunately, their work responsibilities outweighed their blog responsibilities and they gave up writing for the blog in 2008.

Fast forward to September 2010.  A sportswriter named Johnette Howard decided to write this piece of garbage on ESPN.com about the New York Jets.  Since FJM is no longer around, I am going to try and do my best FJM impression on this article titled: The downside of Rex Ryan’s Bluster.  Her words are in bold.

The problem with Jets coach Rex Ryan’s inclination to run what often looks like the NFL’s biggest frat house is his conceit that he can overcome or live with everything that could go wrong. You know, players acting like louts, players and coaches deciding to perhaps harass a good-looking woman when one comes along, players and coaches metaphorically barfing on their shoes when the lights go up on the most eagerly awaited season opener in the team’s history — Monday’s prime-time flop against the hacked-off Baltimore Ravens.

Prime-time flop? Metaphorically barfing on their shoes? The Jets lost 10-9 to a team many people think will win the Super Bowl.   One key play goes their way and they win that game and everyone is back on the Jets Super Bowl bandwagon. 

The overarching question about Ryan entering his second season with the Jets has always been this: Is he just an entertaining caricature of a big-talking, fun-loving, cussing football coach who really knows his stuff, or is he something worse?

The early returns in 2010 aren’t good.

The Jets went to the AFC Championship game last year with Rex Ryan as their head coach.  Also, it’s only one week and the Jets lost 10-9 to a Super Bowl contending team.

Ryan is sometimes called the second coming of John Madden, who coached the Oakland Raiders in their skull-and-crossbones heyday. But if Ryan isn’t careful, he could become the beta version of Pete Carroll instead. Carroll was a flop in his first NFL head coaching jobs with the Jets and New England. He’s since admitted he didn’t handle his transition from coordinator to head coach well. He remained too buddy-buddy with his players. When people warned Carroll about it, he went all Sammy Davis Jr. on them and said, “I’ve gotta be me” — same as Ryan, a former defensive coordinator with the Ravens, now does.

The Jets went to the AFC Championship game in the first year with Rex Ryan as their coach.  Pete Carroll went 6-10 with the Jets in his only season. 

The Jets’ offseason decisions to dump three locker room leaders…and replace them with other teams’ cast-off stars such as Antonio Cromartie and Santonio Holmes have been questioned, too. And look: Cromartie had four of the Jets’ penalties Monday.

Antonio Cromartie also picked off Joe Flacco in the red zone and nearly returned it for a touchdown.  Plus this scene in Hard Knocks makes it worth the signing, no matter what he does. 

The Jets got Santonio Holmes, one of the league’s top receivers, for a fifth round pick.  And that’s a bad thing?

Nobody is laughing with the Jets now. They’re laughing at them. And it will only get louder if the Patriots crush Ryan’s team while looking like a perfectly humming machine — everything the 2010 Jets so far are not.

Have I mentioned the Jets went to the AFC Championship game last year and lost the first game of the 2010 season to a Super Bowl contender by one point? 

I’m tired of reading this. I’m getting a God Damn snack

4 comments for “Time for Me to Do My Best “Fire Joe Morgan” Impression

  1. Mrs. Sacks
    September 16, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I heart Rex Ryan. The man could never do anything wrong in my eyes! Let’s go JETS!!

  2. Don Valdez
    September 27, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    The Jets also just bitch slapped the Pats and the Dolphins. I guess Ryan has lost control of the locker room since the Jets didn’t lose in embarrsing fashion like they usually do.

  3. Rexy's FUPA
    October 11, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    The collapse of the Jets will be even more tough on their fans than usual with so many jumping on their bandwagon. Anything less than the superbowl is a huge disappointment after Rex has said they are the favorite. Love it.

  4. October 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    I wouldn’t say anything less than a Super Bowl is a huge dissapointment.

    Certainly, Jets fans are hopeful they can make it to the Super Bowl but we dont’ EXPECT it.

    I don’t think Jets fans expect anything but the worst.

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