This is a guest post from Brad Wellen over at the Campus Socialite. If you like this column you can reach him through email at bradwellen[at]precioustimeny[dot]com or follow the Campus Socialite on Facebook or Twitter.
In the land of raunchiness and filth, Urban Dictionary is king. Whether you are on the prowl for the trendiest new curse word (see: gunt) or an out of this world sex move (see: Swedish Periscope), the UD is the only place to go. In my morning Internet rundown, there are really only 3 or 4 sites that I absolutely must visit: first is obviously The Campus Socialite, next is ESPN.com, third is Asscafe.com (gotta stay up on the new video content), and the fourth has to be Urban Dictionary. Between their “Word of the Day” feature and their hilarious use of terms in sentences (i.e. “Chuck Norris once uppercutted a horse, we now call that animal a giraffe”), Urban Dictionary is the only place to go when looking to expand your mortifying vocabulary. To commemorate a site that would even make Hollywood’s most foul-mouthed actor (Samuel L. Jackson) proud, The Campus Socialite presents the best definitions of Urban Dictionary.
WARNING: Much of the content below is not safe for the work environment.
Cosby Sweater – The sexual act of eating Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and Boo Berry – or any other bright, colorful breakfast cereals – and then vomiting the tacky, dazzling mixture onto your partner’s chest. The result should look similar to the incredible sweaters that Bill Cosby wore during his highly successful 1980′s sitcom “The Cosby Show.”
Nicole was overjoyed to receive “a Cosby Sweater” for her birthday.
Clint Eastwood – While having sex, you stop and say to the woman: “You have to ask yourself one question – ‘Do I feel lucky?’” Then you proceed to bust a load on the woman, either blinding or straight up killing her, then bend forward and blow the extra semen off your weiner like smoke out of the barrel of a pistol. Then walk slowly off into the sunset.
There has only been one recorded case of someone administering a Clint Eastwood. It was Clint Eastwood himself. He was good, she was bad, and it was ugly.
Snakes on a Plane - A simple existential observation that has the same meaning as “Whaddya gonna do?” or “Shit Happens.” Taken from the Samuel L. Jackson movie of the same name, and immortalized by screenwriter Josh Friedman on his blog post of Wednesday, August 17, 2005.
Guy 1: (irate) Dude, you just ran into the back of my SUV!
Guy 2: (calm) Snakes on a plane man. Snakes on a plane.
Pornocchio – A person who embellishes their sexcapades to sound cooler.
Guy 1: “Did Tommy tell you about his all-nighter with that hot chick from the bar last night?”
Guy 2: “Yeah right dude, he’s such a pornocchio. She told me nothing happened.”
Smashturbating – When one equips themself with “Hulk Hands” and then proceeds to masturbate.
I caught my son smashturbating with his Christmas present.
When my girlfriend asked what I got her for her birthday I simply replied, DISDIK!
Brobation – When a male has committed some form of deceit or cock blocking to a fellow male friend.
Tommy’s not coming to the bar with us tonight, he took home the girl I was hitting on last time. He’s on serious brobation right now.
Tony Danza – When you are having sex with a girl from behind and you ask “Who’s the boss?” She will most likely reply “You are”… you then donkey punch her and say “Tony Danza is the boss, bitch, show the man some respect!” A few minutes later, you ask her again and when she says “Tony Danza,” you donkey punch her again and ask her why she is thinking about other men while you two are having sex.
I was hitting it from behind and I Tony Danza’d her both times I could before she pressed charges… it was so worth it.
Duct Tape – Like The Force, duct tape has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
This lady just wrecked her car! Put some duct tape around it, before it gets messy.
Michael Bolton’s Toes – A “secret”, publicly acceptable word, to let your friends know that someone nearby has nipples visible through their clothing. This phrase is typically used for attractive woman, although a fat guy may be referenced for comedy effect.
“Michael Bolton’s toes!” used in no other context, so as to obscure it’s true meaning. Do NOT say “That chick has Michael Bolton’s toes.”
Find your own favorite dirty words at http://www.urbandictionary.com/.