Posts belonging to Category Rants

There are few things that can cause more rage than driving. Whether it’s sitting in traffic, getting stuck behind a slow driver or getting cut off, driving is sure to cause aggravation nearly every day of our lives. With that in mind, I thought I would highlight some of the biggest assholes on the road with Guys I Want to Punch in the Face: Driving Edition.

Note: Some of these were pulled from older posts. I figured I’d take all the driving ones and group them into one post, in addition to adding a few new ones. (more…)

If you are one of the dozens of people who frequent this site and didn’t just find LWB while searching to find out if a girl you are texting with likes you, then you probably noticed I haven’t been posting much lately—and the posts I have made have, admittedly, not been up to my standards.

Well there was a good reason for that.  My wife and I recently closed on our first home.  The process was an exhausting one and the closer we got to the closing, the harder it was to focus on anything else.

We are settled in our new home now (if you count the stacks of my wife’s clothes still sitting in boxes around the house as settled) so I now I have a little more time to get back to writing.  Now that things are a little more calm, I’ve had a chance to reflect on the life-changing experience I had to endure over the past couple months.

I’m certainly glad to have my own home now but there were many stressful times along the way and many people that I wanted to punch in the face.  So with that in mind, its time for another edition of Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face! (more…)

This past week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother peaked my interest when I discovered the title of the episode was called “The Drunk Train.”

Many of you may have no clue what the Drunk Train is but as a native of Long Island, I am quite familiar with “The Drunk Train,” which is the last train home from New York City to Long Island on a Friday or Saturday night. It is affectionately referred to as the Drunk Train because just about everyone on the train has reached the peak of their drunkenness for the evening during the trip home.  Some of these people would definitely find that New York alcohol withdrawal treatment would come in handy.

In the episode, Barney and Ted decide they are going to hop on the Drunk Train in an effort to find slutty, drunk Long Island women to have sex with. The episode was a good idea in theory but the writers failed at portraying what The Drunk Train is really like.

Before I explain what the Drunk Train is really like, you must understand the underlying causes of the Drunk Train.

The Cause of the Drunk Train
The Long Island Rail Road has a very limited schedule after midnight. Typically there is a train to most stops sometime in the 1 a.m. hour. After that, there usually isn’t another one until about 4 a.m.

Not wanting to wait up to three hours for the next train to come at 4:00 a.m., all the Long Islanders leave whatever bar they were at and rush to Penn Station to cram onto a 1:45 a.m. train. Since just minutes ago many of these people were doing Jaeger bombs and shots of Café Patron, there was no time for them to sip on a glass of water and sober up a bit before heading home.

With all these inebriated people crammed onto a train, the ride home becomes just as much of an adventure as the night preceding it. (more…)

I fly a lot for work. I’m not proud of it. I don’t fly First or Business class. I’d have little to complain about if I did. Things look pretty nice up there.

But back here, on a five-hour flight, many perils exist. If you do this once or twice a year, it’s no big deal – you forget any inconveniences almost as soon as the trip is over. But if your company tries to convert you into a routine business traveler – do yourself a favor and put in a transfer request for the mailroom.

The mail room guys don’t get paid too much – it’s true. But on the other hand, they are never forced to overnight in a Motel 6 with paper thin walls, kept up all night by the traffic from I-95 and the incessant racket caused by the drunks and prostitutes (more on this below).

Seating Area

A person who gets zone 2 on his boarding pass might think: “This isn’t so bad, there’s only one zone ahead of me”. Untrue. There can be as many as seven zones ahead. Consider United Airlines: First class goes (surprise!) first. Then 1K status. Then Premier Platinum, followed by Premier Gold and Premier Silver. Next come the cripples, then the deaf and blind, followed at last by women with small children. (more…)

Gas prices are on the rise again.   The average price of gas is $3.77 (as of 4/11/11) and companies are looking for any excuse to raise prices even more.   The market is so volatile right now, it seems like every time a Middle Eastern dictator has a loose stool, the price goes up another dime.

Everyone is well aware of this problem.  However, there is another issue related to gas prices that no one is talking about.  I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in this country, or at least in the area where I live.  It’s getting harder and harder to find a gas station that doesn’t charge higher prices for customers who pay with a credit card.

These gas stations are very subtle about it.  You may not even notice.   But if you look closely, there are often two sets of prices at the pump—and the higher one is for customers using credit cards.  You may not realize this as you pull into the station, because the sign visible from the street only reflects the cash price.

Let me tell you something that is fairly obvious.  This is FUCKING BULLSHIT. (more…)

This has been an absolutely brutal winter throughout the majority of the United States.  The Northeast has been hit particularly hard, with Old Man Winter metaphorically ass-raping us with frigid temperatures and record-breaking snow fall.   Here in New York, it seems like we’ve been getting hit with a major storm just about every week.  It’s been rough to say the least.

Whenever humans are tested and pushed to their limit, (like we have this winter) we tend to see both the best and the worst of people.  Sure, many people have done great things, like shovel an elderly person’s walkway or help a stranded car out of the snow.  But here at Living with Balls I prefer to spotlight the idiots who come out whenever it snows.  Yup, that’s right.  It’s time for another edition of Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face….Winter Edition!

The Snow Lover Who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy

Most adults hate snow.  It makes everything more complicated.  We have to get up earlier than usual to shovel our walk and clear the car, so we can get to work on time.  We have to bring a change of shoes, so our feet aren’t soaked all day.   We have to worry about skidding out on the roads or having our travel plans disrupted.  Yet there is always some grown man who is SUPER excited for snow.  Check out an actual status update that a Facebook “friend” of mine wrote…

“why are people complaining about snow falling in the winter time? No one ever says why is the sun is out again in July? Enjoy it…”

Enjoy it? What the fuck is there to enjoy about it? I’m not fucking six.  I don’t plan on making snow angels in the front yard or having a snowball fight with my friends.  You know why no one ever complains about the sun in July? Because the sun is awesome.  Who doesn’t like sunlight?  This is a stupid fucking analogy.  It makes no sense and I feel dumber for reading it.

Maybe this should be my reply to his status update:  “I threw my back out shoveling snow, crashed my car and had my flight get cancelled but enjoy it! The snow is so pretty!”

…and yes, snowfall is very majestic looking at first…but if you live in any major city like I do, that lasts for about 15 minutes and then all the snow turns black with dirt and grime—and it stays that way until March when it finally melts.

So shut your mouth Snow Lover who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy before I shut it for you! (more…)

After a long lay-off, it time to bring back one of the most popular features on Living with Balls: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. I took some time away from this feature because I had run out of guys that I wanted to punch out. Yet in recent weeks, a new batch of idiots has crossed my path, thus inspiring me to revive the dormant feature.

Here’s a new list of people I’d like to punch in the face!

The Bathroom Attendant Guy
Ever go to a fancy restaurant or a wedding and there is some dude just hanging out in the bathroom, handing out paper towels and watching people piss? I hate this friggin’ guy. All he does is stand by the sink in a fancy suit, hand people paper towels and look for tips.

So because you handed me a paper towel, now I have to tip you? FUCK. THAT. A nutless monkey could do your job. I’ll pocket my dollar and get the paper towel myself. I’d like to punch this guy right in the mouth, so that his lip is bleeding, then hand him a paper towel to clean himself off, while holding out my other hand for a tip because I gave him the towel. (more…)

The holidays in the United States are completely out of whack.  We get off for days we should be working and we work on days we should have off.

It’s time we made some changes.

Here at LWB, I’ve decide to write a proposal that will drastically alter the holidays in this country.

With Election Day around the corner, I suggest you send this proposal to your local representative and suggest he or she push for this radical restructuring.

In this post, I will discuss which holidays should be eliminated and why, and then I will determine a replacement for that holiday (since us Americans certainly do not want to lose any days off).

(more…)

If you talk to any blogger about how to handle negative comments, you’ll likely get a variety of answers on how to deal with them.  I’ve been victim a number of nasty comments over the past year or so.  When I first came across a negative comment, I wasn’t sure how to handle it so I consulted ProBlogger.com, which is probably the most trusted source for advice on blogging.  Here’s what they said:

“When someone comes by & tells you your blog sucks, you suck, your dog sucks & man, has anyone ever told you you suck?, don’t take the bait! Most of the time, these are just bitter people looking for a fight. It’s just like with bullies in school — all they want is a reaction. So don’t give it to them. There is nothing more infuriating than going out of your way to annoy someone & getting no response. They will fume like mad, & might have another go, but then they will go away. The game gets old. & you can do a little celebratory dance in your living room.”—Darren Rowse-ProBlogger

This is good advice and I should probably follow it. But I’m not going to.  Instead, I’m going to take a much different approach.  My approach is to do my best to EMBARRASS YOU.    (more…)

It’s time for a special edition of one of my most popular features: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. Since I’ll be getting married in a few weeks, I thought I’d do a special edition dedicated to the people involved in planning a wedding (This will be the first of a number of wedding-related posts this month, so be sure to look out for those).

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out. (more…)