Going on a job interview is never a fun experience. It can be nerve-wracking, stressful and full of pressure. Most people are forced to resort to lying during interviews because telling the truth would reveal quite a few flaws. On the other side, the interviewer usually ask a number of bogus questions that are either totally irrelevant or require a response that will be a complete lie.
In this post, I will be listing a number of bullshit questions and answers. You’ll hear why it’s a stupid question, the bullshit response most people probably give, as well as the response most people are thinking but don’t actually say.
1. What is Your Greatest Weakness?
This is the king of bullshit questions at a job interview. In the history of job interviews, not a single person has ever told the truth. It’s a totally pointless question to ask because no one would ever give a straight answer. No one is going to be honest about their flaws on a job interview because that would severely hurt their chances of getting the job. You’re always told to say some crap you can turn into a strength such as…
What You Probably Said: I often push myself too hard. I don’t know how to balance my life because I’m a workaholic. I’m a perfectionist who has trouble accepting failure.
What You Were Really Thinking: Well let’s see. I’m really lazy. I usually stroll in to work at least 15 minutes late. I take long lunches and talk bad about my co-workers behind their backs. I am not willing to go the extra mile and I’ll spend most of my day going on Facebook and making personal phone calls.
2. Why Do You Want to Work Here? The interviewer wants to know if you’re passionate about the job you’re applying for or if you just want a job. More often than not, it’s the latter.
What you probably said: I’m looking for a new challenge in my life. This company has a strong reputation and I feel I would be a good fit here for many years to come.
What you were really thinking: Why the fuck you think I want this job? I’m broke and I need money. My last job sucked more than this one, so I quit on an impulse before I realized the repercussions of being unemployed. I want this job because you have an opening and I need a job. If I don’t get a job soon, my unemployment is going to run out and I will have to move back in with my parents.
You really think my passion in life to sit in some cubicle all day and push papers? You think I grew up dreaming of working here when I was a little boy? Nope. Truth is I fucked up my life and now I have to settle for working a meaningless, unfulfilling job that can provide me with the middle-class boring-ass lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to.
3. There’s a gap in your resume. It’s been some time since your last job. What have you been doing since then? The employer wants to know if you’ve been keeping busy since your last job. Makes sense—but if you haven’t been doing anything, you’ll have to make something up, such as…
What you probably said: I’ve been exploring my options and have been trying to find myself. I spent some time traveling overseas and visiting some relatives. It was a great experience for me but now I’m ready to get back to work.
What you were thinking: I’ve been milking those unemployment checks for as long as possible. I usually slept till 11 most days and woke up to watch the Price is Right. The rest of my day was typically spent masturbating and playing Halo 3 in my underwear. The only time I put on pants was to answer the door when my Domino’s Pizza arrived.
4. Where do you see yourself five years from now? The employer likely wants to see if you have long-term goals. Ideally if you’re goal-oriented you’ll make a better employee. This question is bullshit because everyone says they will have the perfect life five years from now.
What you probably said: I see myself working in upper management and helping this company continue to be successful. In my personal life, I hope to get married and start a family.
What you were thinking: I have no fucking clue what I’ll be doing five years from now. I don’t know what I’ll be doing next week! God help me if I’m still working at this shitty job five years from now. If I am then I’ll probably be jumping off the nearest tall building. That’s probably where I’ll be.
5. Tell me about your proudest achievement: The employer wants to have an idea of what you achieved in your professional life. Not really a bullshit question, but there is plenty of bullshit in the answer.
What you probably said: At my previous job, I was able to meet my quota of 100 widgets sold for 12 months in a row. In two of those months I outsold some of the senior employees in our company.
What you were thinking: Probably when I was 17 and got a sweet blow job from one of the hottest girls in my high school…or maybe that time in college when I won ten straight games of beer pong. Man I was ON FIRE that night… Actually no… it’s neither of those. My proudest achievement was definitely when I was 8 years old and finally beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. It took me like a hundred tries but I finally did it. I was so proud of myself that day.
6. Are you willing to work overtime, nights and weekends if need be? This job may require some overtime and the interviewer wants to know if you are prepared to do so.
What you probably said: Absolutely. I want to do whatever it takes to be successful in this position. If that means working overtime or coming in on Saturday from time-to-time than so be it.
What you were thinking: NO FUCKING WAY am I willing to work nights and weekends.
7. Do you have any questions for me? Supposedly you should always have some questions prepared. That it way it makes you look like you are genuinely interested in the job.
What you probably said: Yes I do. Based on the interview today, are there any concerns you have in regards to my ability to perform this job?
What you were thinking: How much does it pay? How many vacation days will I get? Will I get dental? Were you serious about working nights and weekends? Does your hot secretary have a boyfriend?
8. Why did you leave your last job? The interviewer just wants to make sure you didn’t leave your previous job on a bad note.
What you probably said: Well…I just felt it was time for a change. I had been there for a few years and I was ready for a new challenge. There was little room for growth in the company and I want to move up in my field.
What you were thinking: My boss was a complete fucking asshole. I couldn’t stand that son-of-a-bitch. He made me work long hours for shitty pay and didn’t treat me with respect. All my co-workers were total LOSERS and I couldn’t stand to stay there another second. One day, I just lost it and told my boss to fuck off, stole all the office supplies I could carry, walked out the door and went straight to the bar to get loaded.
I hope this has helped to shed light on some of the difficult questions you may face when going on your next job interview. As long as you feed the interviewer bullshit, you should have a good chance of getting the job.
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