It’s almost been a year since I became a father. Although it’s been an extremely challenging experience, I would not change anything. Being a father has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
It also has allowed me to develop super powers that otherwise would not be possible.
I’m not kidding. I have developed super powers thanks to my son. If you have a child, then you probably have them too! Listed below are all the super-human skills I’ve developed over the past year
SUPER POWER: LIGHTNING-QUICK REFLEXES
HOW IT CAME TO BE: CATCHING FALLING PACIFIERS BEFORE THEY HIT THE GROUND
My son is addicted to his pacifier. One could argue that the pacifier itself has super powers. It magically calms my child down during screaming fits and can instantly put him to sleep. So its vital to keep his pacifier clean. Unfortunately, my son lacks the dexterity to keep a good grip on his pacifier at all times. It constantly falls out of his mouth or through his fingers when he’s holding it. Watching my son hold a pacifier through the weak grasp of his fingers is like watching a ticking time bomb. You know it’s gonna fall and when it does he’s gonna GO OFF!
And as any parent will tell you, no matter how many pacifiers you buy, you always seem to be down to the last clean one. I’ll do anything to avoid cleaning a dirty pacifier. So the moment I see daylight between the pacifier and my son’s mouth, I pounce like a lion tackling the gazelle and rescue it from plummeting to the Earth. After practicing this routine multiple times per day for several months I now posses lighting-quick reflexes
SUPER POWER: NIGHT VISION
HOW IT CAME TO BE: NIGHT-TIME FEEDINGS
For the first seven months of my son’s life, he failed to sleep through the night. Thus, either my wife or myself stumbled out of bed to give him a bottle somewhere between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. every night. This is probably the most annoying thing about being a new parent–especially in the beginning when the baby takes forever to suck down just a couple ounces.
Because we never wanted to turn on the lights at this hour for fear that the baby would not fall back asleep, my wife and I can now prepare a bottle, feed him said bottle, change his diaper and get him dressed again in darkness. After months of trying to line up all those damn buttons on pajama onesies in darkness (tip: buy pajamas that zip up!), I have begun to develop night vision. My skill has been so honed over time, even my cat cannot believe how much I can do in the dark.
SUPER POWER: NINJA-LIKE PROWESS
HOW IT CAME TO BE: TRYING TO BE QUIET AROUND THE HOUSE AFTER MY SON FALLS ASLEEP
The hour or so after my son goes to sleep and before we go to bed is known as “Happy Hour” in our household. After a hectic morning of trying to get my son out the door, a long day of work, followed by trying to get my son ready for bed at night, that one hour of free time is our time to relax and unwind from a tough day. So it’s vital that we are quiet when walking around the house in an effort to not awaken the baby. After 8:30 pm, it’s like we are playing a game of Splinter Cell on my XBox. My wife and I are now adept at moving around the house without even making a floorboard squeak. Even then, it sometimes not enough to keep him from waking up. And this boy does not like to have his sleep interrupted.
SUPER POWER: EXTRA ARMS
HOW IT CAME TO BE: TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE WHILE CARRYING A BABY
No. I don’t actually have more than two arms, but at times it seems that way. Trying to carry a baby around all the time, while getting things done can be quite challenging. But through the power of evolution, my wife and I can carry so much stuff, it often appears we have more than two arms.
Babies have a lot of shit and they require all that shit pretty much wherever they go. Since I can’t just put a baby down to load and unload the car, I have to carry him with me. Not wanting to make several trips, I somehow manage to carry everything at one time. Now I can bring the baby in from the car, while carrying his diaper bag and toys, five bags of groceries and still be able to reach into my pocket to get my keys and unlock the front door. It’s quite remarkable.
SUPER POWER:BEING ABLE TO ESCAPE OUT OF ANY BAD SITUATION
HOW IT CAME TO BE: USING THE BABY AS AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF THINGS I DON’T WANT TO DO
Don’t feel like going to work today?Use the baby as an excuse! “Sorry, boss. My son is sick. Do you dare to question me on that??”
Got invited to some awful social gathering you don’t want to go to? Use the baby as an excuse! “Sorry, friend, I can’t go see your shitty band tonight, I have no one to watch my son!” Who can say anything about that excuse?
Now 99 percent of the time, my baby excuses are legitimate. I’ve missed work plenty of times because my son was sick and I’ve had to miss out on fun events I legitimately wanted to go to because I didn’t have a baby sitter or simply didn’t want to leave my son. But it’s nice to know I can use him an excuse when I need to.
SUPER POWER: SUPER SPEED
HOW IT CAME TO BE: BEING FORCED TO GET ALL MY ERRANDS DONE IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME
When you have a baby there isn’t much time do much of anything that doesn’t involve taking care of the kid. Anytime you bring a baby out, you need to time it just right in order for the trip to agree with his schedule. So when I run out to do errands and take my son along, I usually have a very short window before he gets hungry, gets tired or shits himself. All three result in him screaming his face off. So when Mrs. Sacks and I run errands, we do it with remarkable efficiency. You would be amazed at all we can get done in a couple hours. We can achieve more in just those two hours then people with no kids can accomplish all day.
Has your baby helped you develop any super powers not listed here? Leave a comment about it!
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