Articles from February 2012

This past week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother peaked my interest when I discovered the title of the episode was called “The Drunk Train.”

Many of you may have no clue what the Drunk Train is but as a native of Long Island, I am quite familiar with “The Drunk Train,” which is the last train home from New York City to Long Island on a Friday or Saturday night. It is affectionately referred to as the Drunk Train because just about everyone on the train has reached the peak of their drunkenness for the evening during the trip home.  Some of these people would definitely find that New York alcohol withdrawal treatment would come in handy.

In the episode, Barney and Ted decide they are going to hop on the Drunk Train in an effort to find slutty, drunk Long Island women to have sex with. The episode was a good idea in theory but the writers failed at portraying what The Drunk Train is really like.

Before I explain what the Drunk Train is really like, you must understand the underlying causes of the Drunk Train.

The Cause of the Drunk Train
The Long Island Rail Road has a very limited schedule after midnight. Typically there is a train to most stops sometime in the 1 a.m. hour. After that, there usually isn’t another one until about 4 a.m.

Not wanting to wait up to three hours for the next train to come at 4:00 a.m., all the Long Islanders leave whatever bar they were at and rush to Penn Station to cram onto a 1:45 a.m. train. Since just minutes ago many of these people were doing Jaeger bombs and shots of Café Patron, there was no time for them to sip on a glass of water and sober up a bit before heading home.

With all these inebriated people crammed onto a train, the ride home becomes just as much of an adventure as the night preceding it. (more…)

James Charm, the seduction expert, is back with more tips on how to seduce the woman of your affection.

Like an animal in the wild you must be able to fend off a rival male in order to earn the rights to mate.

Perhaps you’re at a bar and the girl you want is hanging out with some tool. Maybe the girl you are eyeing is there for the taking but you are getting cock-blocked by some loser vying for the same girl.

Whatever the case, James Charm is here with some advice for exactly this type of situation. (more…)

I fly a lot for work. I’m not proud of it. I don’t fly First or Business class. I’d have little to complain about if I did. Things look pretty nice up there.

But back here, on a five-hour flight, many perils exist. If you do this once or twice a year, it’s no big deal – you forget any inconveniences almost as soon as the trip is over. But if your company tries to convert you into a routine business traveler – do yourself a favor and put in a transfer request for the mailroom.

The mail room guys don’t get paid too much – it’s true. But on the other hand, they are never forced to overnight in a Motel 6 with paper thin walls, kept up all night by the traffic from I-95 and the incessant racket caused by the drunks and prostitutes (more on this below).

Seating Area

A person who gets zone 2 on his boarding pass might think: “This isn’t so bad, there’s only one zone ahead of me”. Untrue. There can be as many as seven zones ahead. Consider United Airlines: First class goes (surprise!) first. Then 1K status. Then Premier Platinum, followed by Premier Gold and Premier Silver. Next come the cripples, then the deaf and blind, followed at last by women with small children. (more…)

Who the hell are we to answer that question?? Can we really assume you’re a creep just for being in a bar without friends? AB-SO-EFFIN-LUTELY!!!

I’ve spent plenty of time at bars alone. I’ve also spent plenty of time at bars with friends. There are drastic differences in how the bartender perceives you, how patrons perceive you, and believe it or not…how you perceive yourself.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a creep. But, I also know plenty of non-creeps who find themselves at bars alone. The reason that I’m writing this article is because I find it interesting that the answer to this blog doesn’t lie in truth…it lies in perception. (more…)

Actual wife not pictured

It’s Super Bowl week—which for many men is the most important gambling day of the year. The one question on gamblers’ minds everywhere is not who will win the game, but which team will cover the spread.

Last year, not knowing whom to pick, I consulted with my wife, who knows next to nothing about football, with the hopes she would be my good-luck charm.  Amazingly, not only did she accurately predict that the Packers would cover the spread but she nearly got the score of the game right.

So I decided to consult her once again in hopes that she could pick me another winner. Here’s how our conversation went… (more…)

It’s that time of year: your officemate is collecting money for Super Bowl boxes. Those things where you pay somewhere between $5 to $20 to put your name in a blank box which will eventually have two numbers attached to it. At the end of each quarter, the last number of each team’s score is taken and someone wins. The great thing about these things are that they require absolutely no skill, i.e. non-fans are just as good at it as the guy who watches three games simultaneously every Sunday and is in four fantasy leagues. When you fill in the box, there’s no way of knowing which numbers you are going to get.

You get your numbers and hope for the best. Nonetheless, if you know the first thing about football, with a 2-5, you know you’re sort of screwed and are going to be resigned to rooting for safeties, missed extra points and teams going for two in inappropriate situations. So, what if this were a game of skill, and there’s an auction for the numbers. What’s the most valuable box?

(more…)