Articles from February 2011

I recently switched to the Verizon iPhone and I’m loving it.  I’m addicted to finding new apps.   As part of a potential new series I am trying out, I will highlight a crazy app that can be found on the iPhone…

Picture this situation: You are out at a bar in New York City on a Saturday night.   After some hard work throughout the night, you have successfully located an attractive young woman with daddy issues who is desperately seeking male attention (a.k.a,  a slut).  You bought her a few drinks and cracked a few jokes and she has taken a liking to you.   She has asked you to come back to her place where you undoubtedly will engage in sexual relations.

Naturally, you’re excited for this but you know this girl has probably been around the block.  Before you leave, you reach into your wallet where you usually stash your emergency condom, only to find it is no longer there!   You forgot to replace it from your last escapade.   Looks like you’ll have to make a quick stop at the drug store.

BUT WAIT!

Why spend money on a box of condoms for a broad you will probably never see after tonight?  Wouldn’t you rather get condoms for free?

With the New York City Condom Finder App you can use your iPhone to locate free condoms ANYWHERE in New York City.  The app uses the phones GPS to locate the closest location where condoms are given away throughout the five boroughs. (more…)

Spring Training is here! Major League Baseball players are reporting to camp and getting ready for the upcoming baseball season.

Meanwhile, sports writers follow the players down South in order to provide news to baseball fans across the country that are hungry to read about baseball after a long winter.

Yet we are still over a month away from any meaningful games so there really isn’t a lot to talk about.  There’s not much going on at Spring Training other than light jogging, pitchers fielding practice and soft tossing.  However, beat writers have to write about something while they are down in Florida and Arizona, so they find ways to turn just about anything into a 1,500-word press release.

I’ve found a number of articles—mostly on MLB.com— where the reporters are desperately reaching for any kind of story. Here are five of the best releases I’ve seen thus far that can barely be called newsworthy.

1. Some Fat Yankee Pitchers Aren’t Quite as Fat; Others are as Fat as Ever

The BIG news around Yankee camp this spring has been about the weight of their pitchers.

Ace hurler C.C. Sabathia claims to have lost 25 pounds because he stopped eating Cap’n Crunch.

“I stopped eating Cap’n Crunch every day,” Sabathia told news reporters Monday morning. “I used to eat that stuff by the box.”

Meanwhile, pudgy relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has dropped some of that baby fat and put on some muscle during the off-season.

“Obviously, I added muscle,” Chamberlain said. “That just comes from being a man, too. I’m 25 now, not 21.”

Yankee skipper Joe Girardi then really spiced up the Chamberlain story with this quote…

“I think his hairstyle being different is the one thing I noticed first.” (more…)

After nearly a year lay-off from his LWB debut, Oobstastic is back…

Just finished watching the Social Network…

When the trailer was out, I thought this was bound to suck. I continued to believe this until my Dad saw it and told me how good it was.

I asked him, “Dad, what makes it so good? Isn’t it just about a stupid goddamned website?”

“No, son”, he said. “It is an exploration of the dynamism inherent in American society, as well as an assessment of the permanence of traditional class structures.”

He did not actually say this. That was my interpretation. What he actually said was: “You’ll laugh when you see what a bunch of useless assholes those Winklevoss twins are.”

So what about the socio-cultural analysis? It’s in there. The film, and by extension the real-life story, features the same sorts of fascinating characters that F. Scott Fitzgerald or Tolstoy might have invented.

Let’s start with the lawyers. The actual vehicle for conveying the plot is a series of deposition hearings which take place in fancy, wood-paneled law offices. Not only was this a clever move from a screenwriting perspective, but it served to immediately impress upon the viewer what worthless tools litigators can be (sorry, litigators).

The partners are old, vaguely unattractive, pedantic, condescending – and most importantly, an accessory to the plot. They don’t make anything happen. They simply: (more…)

This has been an absolutely brutal winter throughout the majority of the United States.  The Northeast has been hit particularly hard, with Old Man Winter metaphorically ass-raping us with frigid temperatures and record-breaking snow fall.   Here in New York, it seems like we’ve been getting hit with a major storm just about every week.  It’s been rough to say the least.

Whenever humans are tested and pushed to their limit, (like we have this winter) we tend to see both the best and the worst of people.  Sure, many people have done great things, like shovel an elderly person’s walkway or help a stranded car out of the snow.  But here at Living with Balls I prefer to spotlight the idiots who come out whenever it snows.  Yup, that’s right.  It’s time for another edition of Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face….Winter Edition!

The Snow Lover Who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy

Most adults hate snow.  It makes everything more complicated.  We have to get up earlier than usual to shovel our walk and clear the car, so we can get to work on time.  We have to bring a change of shoes, so our feet aren’t soaked all day.   We have to worry about skidding out on the roads or having our travel plans disrupted.  Yet there is always some grown man who is SUPER excited for snow.  Check out an actual status update that a Facebook “friend” of mine wrote…

“why are people complaining about snow falling in the winter time? No one ever says why is the sun is out again in July? Enjoy it…”

Enjoy it? What the fuck is there to enjoy about it? I’m not fucking six.  I don’t plan on making snow angels in the front yard or having a snowball fight with my friends.  You know why no one ever complains about the sun in July? Because the sun is awesome.  Who doesn’t like sunlight?  This is a stupid fucking analogy.  It makes no sense and I feel dumber for reading it.

Maybe this should be my reply to his status update:  “I threw my back out shoveling snow, crashed my car and had my flight get cancelled but enjoy it! The snow is so pretty!”

…and yes, snowfall is very majestic looking at first…but if you live in any major city like I do, that lasts for about 15 minutes and then all the snow turns black with dirt and grime—and it stays that way until March when it finally melts.

So shut your mouth Snow Lover who Tells Everyone to Stop Complaining about the Snow Guy before I shut it for you! (more…)

I remember back in the day when I was in high school and college, the one thing that dominated my thoughts more than anything was girls.  More specifically: sex.

At that age, like many guys, I was obsessed with hooking up with girls.

The experience of hooking up with a girl was both exhilarating and nerve-wracking.  It was exhilarating because these experiences were so new and awesome. Squeezing on a pair of firm tits or getting head for the first time are two of my fondest memories.

Yet it was also nerve-wracking because I didn’t have a slightest idea what I was doing.   Kissing girls, playing with tits and going down on a girl are all activities I had to learn the hard way.  Like most young men who are just beginning to experience sex, I was clueless. I slobbered over lips, groped at titties and struggled to find the clitoris.  I figured things out eventually but there were some growing pains along the way.   If only I had a teacher or perhaps an instructional video that could have corrected my mistakes!  THEN maybe I could have seen more success.

Well I wasn’t so lucky to be privy to this information but maybe YOU can.  I got my hands on a copy of How Players Do It, an instructional video from H-Spot.com.   This video breaks down everything you need to know to become a stud in the bedroom.  It covers all aspects of sex from kissing, to oral sex, to even titty fucking. (more…)

This post is part of the “ Links of the Month”  Segment for February 2011.

According to H-Spot.com, a sex education web site, there are 14 sex mistakes that men make.  It’s a pretty solid list and admittedly, I’ve been guilty of a few, not because of ignorance, but because of laziness.   For example, the first mistake men make is asking to have sex…

“Asking to have sex is like asking your mother if you can have a girl over your own apartment. When you ask, you immediately show a lack of confidence and control – two essential alpha characteristics that deep-down, all women crave. Solution: Work up the physical escalation ladder by starting out with basic touching and kissing. She will respectfully stop you if she doesn’t want sex.”

This is probably true if you’re single and trying to bang some girl you just met.  However, if you’re in a long-term committed relationship, I don’t think this rule applies.   Who wants go through all the effort of trying to get laid when you get married?  I know I don’t.  Easy sex is supposed to be one of advantages of marriage.

Other noteworthy links… (more…)