Articles from June 2010

Here are the top posts from the months of May and June 2010. These are a collection of my personal favorites, the most viewed and the most commented posts from the past two months.

How to Slay the Period Monster

Rap Lyrics Translated for White People Volume III

Instant Message Etiquette for Men

Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face- Wedding Edition

Politically Correct Sports Terms

The First Ever LWB Podcast

So the USA lost a tough match to Ghana this past weekend in the knockout round of the 2010 World Cup. Only in soccer can a third-world nation like Ghana beat a powerhouse like the United States. Ghana probably couldn’t beat the USA in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, but somehow they beat us in soccer.

The reason for this: The vast majority of us Americans don’t give a shit about soccer.
Sure we get a little excited for one month every four years, when the World Cup comes around. We go out and be nice little capitalists. We buy Landon Donovan jerseys and drink at 9:30 am at our local bar when the game is on. We curse at the referees for calling off-sides (even though we’re not quite sure how off-sides works in soccer. Why is there no blue line?), and we don’t understand why they don’t just stop the clock when the ball goes out of bounds.

But once the World Cup is over, we’ll go back to our American football and baseball and we’ll make fun of people for watching the MLS. Soccer won’t even enter our thought process again until the next time David Beckham is on TMZ. Even yesterday, with the World Cup in full swing, SportsCenter led with the Tampa Bay Rays/ Arizona Diamondbacks game. (more…)

Deep within this post, I’ve hidden a NSFW picture of an attractive Hispanic woman with a large ass.  I’ve decided to tease you with a silhouette of her abnormally large backside.  If you want to see the picture you’ll have to view some links from my friends first. (more…)

Instant messaging has become an everyday part of life.  Whether it’s through AIM or a social networking site, millions of people use it everyday as an easy way to stay in touch.

A while back, I gave you some advice on talking to a girl through instant messenger. Now I will give you some guidelines to follow when talking to other men.  There are some unwritten rules that are required to maintain a sense of masculinity when talking to another man on IM.

Failing to follow these rules can result in a man being perceived as a queer—and nobody wants that.  Here are five rules all men must follow when talking online.

Rule #1: Dispense with the Pleasantries

When it comes to starting a conversation over the internet, men should never bother with pleasantries such as “Hi” or “How are you?”  Just get right into the conversation.  Saying hi is for fags.

Here’s the wrong and right way to start an instant message conversation. Fellow contributors Frank Wheeler and Don Valdez will show you a few examples.

Wrong Way

Right Way (more…)

It’s time for a special edition of one of my most popular features: Random Guys I Want to Punch in the Face. Since I’ll be getting married in a few weeks, I thought I’d do a special edition dedicated to the people involved in planning a wedding (This will be the first of a number of wedding-related posts this month, so be sure to look out for those).

As anyone who has ever gotten married can confirm, the process of planning a wedding can be a very stressful experience. Whether it’s dealing with vendors, struggling with financial issues, trying to calm down a bridezilla or countless other unforeseen problems, the wedding process is sure to leave you aggravated at some point. Here are a few people I’ve wanted to punch along the way.

The “You’re Next!” Guy
This is a warning for any recently engaged couple. For any wedding you attend during your engagement, be prepared for at least 30 people to remind you that you are the next couple to get married. This usually comes from distant cousins and friends you haven’t seen in ages, who can’t think of anything else intelligent to say to you, while you stand around drinking cocktails. “HEY GUYS!! YOU’RE NEXT!!”

Thanks for the tip, Cousin Whose Name I Can Never Remember! I wasn’t sure how the Christian calendar worked. So July comes after May? Good thing you reminded me!

This number increases exponentially with each wedding you attend. So just be prepared to laugh it off, while deep down you’ll want to knock them the fuck out. (more…)

OK. So I’m not really changing it. I’m just going to add to it.  From now on, instead of being known as John S., I will be referred to as Johnny Sacks.  There are a few reasons for this…

First off, one of my regrets when starting this blog was not coming up with a cool alias.  So I figured it’s better late than never.

Also, I think having a full name may be good for the branding of this blog. Should this blog ever become really popular, (which is unlikely) I think it will be good to have a full name associated with it.  Plus Sacks seems like an appropriate name for a blog about balls.

Great Stand-up Comedy is a semi-regular feature here at Living with Balls. Every so often, I link to video clips of some great stand-up comedy bits from some of comedy’s funniest people. There is a different topic each time. Today’s topic is music.

Music is a unique way to perform stand-up. Here are a few examples of great stand-up comedy using music. (more…)

June 8^th, 2010, 9:00 pm—Joey’s Apartment: Bellerose, New York

(phone rings)

Joey: (watching Mets Game) C’mon Francouer! Ya piece-a-shit!

(phone rings)

Joey: Hello?

Owen: Joey! What’s up ya guinea bastard!?

Joey: Just watchin’ deez fuckin’ shitty Mets, ya dumb Irish prick.

Owen: Shitty? Things are looking good! We are just 2.5 games out of first. We look unstoppable at Citi Field right now!

Joey: yeah yeah, They can’t fuckin win on da road though!  They’ll never go anywhere if they don’t’ win on da road!…And dis piece-a-shit Reyes! When is dis bum gonna start fuckin’ hitting? He’s battin’ Two-Fowty!

Owen: yeaaaah, he’ll get it together though.  Give him some time.

Joey: Nah, he’s a fuckin canca in the clubhouse! That’s the problem with dis’ fuckin’ team.  We need some team chemistry! We got all these fuckin’ Mexicans on the team, doing dances every time they hit the ball or pointin’ to da sky every time they strike someone out! Dees bastahds should be cuttin’ my fuckin’ lahwn!

Owen: Jose Reyes is from the Dominican Republic

Joey: Same fuckin’ shit! Omah Minaya is fuckin’ racist! We need more white guys on da team!

(David Wright strikes out) (more…)

A lot of other “man” sites like to just take pictures of attractive women from a Google image search and pass it off as a blog post. These sites seem to do very well (better than mine, for sure), so I figured why not try it?

Here’s a picture of a hot girl I found randomly through a Google search. Now that I have your attention. click on these awesome links, pictures and video clips!

Links
10 of the Worst Album Covers Ever Bloke Buddy
What to Do When You Have a Stage 5 Clinger Campus Socialite
26 Hilariously Inaccurate Knock Off Toys Urlesque
Extraordinary Funny and Clever Illustration This Blog Rules
Five Hilarious and Moronic Sex Stories Standard Madness
The News Just Got More Interesting Spewf
Photo Gallery of Victoria’s Secret Model Rosie Huntington Whiteley Muff Slap
(more…)

Back in February, I wrote a post showing some of the crazy searches that brought readers to Living with Balls. It turned out to be pretty entertaining so I thought I’d do it again—mainly because I haven’t had the time to write a real post.

Since February, I have gained a little more authority in Google searches and thus have found some results that are even crazier than last time.

As a reminder, these are 100% REAL. I have only altered spelling errors. This time around, I’ll be borrowing an idea from my friend Bejewell at The Bean and I will put them into categories. (more…)